I'm in the adult industry and I find it really really hard to find a man who will take me seriously and treat me like the woman I really am. they never seem to understand that my job is separate from my relationship. My last boyfriend was attracted to me because I was in the industry, but then he left me because he was sooo jealous that I was sleeping with other men. I guess I understand it a little, but there are benefits too! How many other men can boast that they can bring two girls home at once pretty much any time they want? I'm so bummed...I think that maybe I should quit the industry and get a job at 1/8th the pay to work as a secretary somewhere...
Should I quit porn so I can find a man and settle down?
--xxxgirl
Unfortunately, xxxgirl, you're caught in a tough situation. Men want you because of your work and then when they have you, they give you the ultimatum, your work or them. With many guys, me included, when we find a woman we really like, we want that woman to be with us and us only. It's a possessive/jealous sickness that most guys tend to contract at one time or another. I've read biographies on several women in the adult film industry and your situation is not unusual. The woman meets a guy, often times a guy that she'll be having sex with for a film. Then the two of them decide to hook up and begin a relationship. Then as part of his possessiveness he decides that he doesn't want her having sex with other guys.
You have a couple options at this point. You could break off the relationship and both of you go your separate ways. Another would be a compromise. Many of the women in adult films are married or have a long time boyfriend. These husbands or boyfriends had the same possessive/jealous sickness as most other men, and gave their wives or girlfriends the option of a compromise. They could leave the industry entirely or they could find an alternative so they wouldn't be having sex with any men other than their significant other. Many women have left the industry for this very reason and others have become powerful names in adult film (producers, directors) and there are others who only work with other women. Some of these actresses have been doing films for many years and have yet to be seen on film having sex with a guy. Several of these women are still with the same man years later. Many of these women compensate their significant other by bringing girlfriends home on occasion and letting their husband/boyfriend have her and the other woman at the same time.
I don't think leaving the industry would be the only answer to finding a decent man and settling down. I think you should do what makes you happy. Only you can determine if your current occupation is satisfying enough to make you happy. If you leave the industry, your past could also be a deciding factor that makes or breaks a relationship. You could also continue doing adult films and meet a man of like mind and he would support you having all the sex with other men that you could want. Another possibility is that you could become a producer, director, distributor, or manager for other women in the industry. This would keep you in close contact with adult films but would not involve you having sex with other men outside of your committed relationship.
Ultimately, you have to decide what course of action would be best for you. I don't think becoming a secretary is the answer though. I truly don't think you would be happy doing that kind of work and the pay is significantly less that what you make now.
Remember that there is always someone out there for all of us. Be honest and up front with any guy that you want to get serious with and if he's the one you're meant to be with, I'm sure the two of you can work out some sort of compromise to hold your relationship together. Good luck.
Originally published November 2005 - "Taboo!"