I'm sure it's happened to every woman at one time or another. You're on that business trip, stuck in the hotel room, you're tossing and turning trying to get to sleep so you'll be rested for the big conference tomorrow, but all you can think about is sex. Sex, sex sex sex sex. Sex! You regret that you forgot to pack your favorite vibrator because you were worried security would confiscate it at the airport. You dip your finger into your pussy and it's slick and wet, you rub yourself a bit but you're not getting anywhere. You're not going to be able to cum by finger alone, not tonight.
That's when it strikes you; you're so damn horny you'd fuck about anything right now. Suddenly what was once a clean and proper hotel room has become a sex shop full of the most eclectic variety of sex toys.
The urge to cum may strike anywhere and at any time. For your convenience I've compiled a list of every day items that can go from ho hum to oh yum in the privacy of your own fantasy land.
OBJECTS of AFFECTION
As in the hotel room, I've discovered that there are many ordinary, every-day objects that can serve the purpose of a dildo. Here are some dos and don'ts when selecting your object of affection:
BRUSH HANDLE 
Brush handles come in a variety of shapes and sizes; hopefully when you bought one for your hair, you also happened to select a model that can do double duty for your horny, healthy body. Do select a brush handle that is smooth or with a nice ridged texture. Don't select a brush handle with sharp points or a hole in the end as this can cause discomfort.
SHAMPOO BOTTLE 
Do select a shampoo bottle that is the right size for your vagina. Too small and you could end up losing it, too large and with no lube around you could hurt yourself. Do select a bottle that tapers in at the top and out at the bottom. Try using just the cap of the bottle to stimulate just the first inch or so of your vulva while simultaneously stroking your clit with your fingers.
WATER BOTTLE 
Do use plastic. Don't use glass unless you are very careful. Glass bottles used too fervently can break or they can bruise your vaginal wall and make for uncomfortable sex for days after (when you finally get your hands on your lover!)
Do use Evian and Perrier bottles when in France (be careful, they are glass). Do use Dasani bottles in the U.S. (they're plastic, and are a better shape than those Aquafina bottles).
CANDLE STICKS 
Do use a condom when possible so that the wax doesn't rub off inside your body. Do use a candle stick that is long enough to hold on to. Be careful not to break the candlestick during masturbation, it can be uncomfortable fishing lost parts out.
ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH 
Do use the vibrations to stimulate your clit. Don't aim the brush-head directly on your clit. Do use the base and the resonating vibrations on the inside of your vagina. Don't forget to clean it before your roommate brushes her teeth again.
ORGANIC ORGASMS
If you're lucky enough to be stuck sans vibrator in a fully stocked kitchen, here is a selection of some of the more titillating fruits and vegetables on the market:
CUCUMBERS 
Do peel the cucumber for a delicious natural wet sensation. Do select a cucumber that is the right size for your body. Use a zucchini for your anus (they're smaller and just as juicy as the cucumber).
BANANAS 
Don't peel the banana. Do enjoy the natural penis like curve. Do enjoy the penis like soft-firmness of the fruit. Do recognize that bananas don't last long during masturbation and they rapidly bruise, so check on it occasionally to be sure it's intact. Do let your lover eat you out after masturbating with a banana for a special sweet taste.
I would not recommend eggplants (too large), carrots (too hard and skinny) or broccoli (no kiddin').
USE YOUR SURROUNDINGS
You don't have to put an object inside your body to get off. In fact many women prefer to masturbate by clitoral stimulation alone. For women who get off best this way sometimes you just have to enjoy your surroundings to find that taste of heaven.
HORSEBACK 
Tight jeans and the natural rhythm of the horse's movement is a natural and effortless route to the big O.
SWING 
Straddle the swing and let it take you higher.
BICYCLE 
Ride your bicycle along a bumpy road and press your clit firmly into the seat. Watch out for big jolting bumps though; it might just knock you off your rhythm.
EDGE OF THE BED 
With one foot on the floor and one slung up on the bed you can rock your way to an orgasm by rubbing your clit back and forth on the edge of the bed.
PILLOW 
Similarly some women can get off by humping a pillow.
WASHING MACHINE 
Set that baby to spin cycle press your clit against the corner of the machine, or sit on top and let the vibrations move you.
EXERCISE
Who says exercise is no fun? It certainly is fun when your sit-ups turn into get-offs. Teaching your body how to induce an orgasm via muscle contraction alone isn't only good for your stress level, it's great for your sex life. Imagine all the things you can do in and out of bed when your body is trained to orgasm on demand.
SIT-UPS 
Some women can induce orgasm through sit-ups. The key here is to focus on clenching your vaginal muscles together as you tighten your abs, and releasing them when you relax your abdominal muscles. This exercise is great for a strong multi-orgasmic pussy and a sexy flat stomach.
LEG EXTENSIONS (and presses) 
This is a personal favorite. I've had almost as many orgasms at my gym as in my bed (notice I didn't say his bed, or mention the myriad other places I've enjoyed orgasms). A set of 15 leg extensions at a challenging weight can bring me into orgasmic ecstasy. Again I focus on clenching the muscles in my pussy as I tighten the muscles in my thighs keeping the tension as I extend my legs up and briefly releasing the muscles as I draw my legs back. The incredible focus this requires turns into pain, which then turns into an erotic and naughty orgasm right there in the gym (try not to moan too conspicuously). It also helps for me to observe the sexy guy doing bicep curls in the mirror.
WATER WORKS
Ah water such a sexual element. Water during masturbation is one of nature's greatest natural gifts. Water is orgasm inducing in several forms, here are a few:
JACUZZI JETS 
Do wear your swimsuit bottom to prevent water from going up your anus/vagina (unless you're looking for a wicked enema or bacterial douche). Do approach the jets slowly, some are stronger than your clitoris can handle so you may want to keep a bit of distance to find the optimal pressure. Do allow the jets to stimulate your anus. Again, don't get too much water up there!
RUNNING FAUCET 
Lay back and press your bum right up against the wall of the tub beneath the faucet. Turn the water on and let the pressure stimulate your clitoris. Do put a washcloth or pillow under your lower back. Do make sure that you've selected an appropriate water temperature.
THOSE AWESOME DETACHABLE SHOWER HEADS 
This is another of my favorites. Those detachable shower heads are a gift from heaven. You can lean back against the shower wall spread your legs and let the variety of water speeds tickle your clit, your lips and your bum to a sexy orgasm. Oooh la la! Just be careful not to shoot the water directly up your vagina...it can cause a bacterial infection!
However you choose to achieve it, your do-it-yourself orgasm can be created by more items than can be listed in my column. And don't forget the power of a vivid fantasy and your own two hands.
With much adoration,
Jordan
Originally published December 2005 - "Naughty or Nice"