Dear Barnabus,
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for four-and-a-half years and I consider him my best friend. The problem is the passion has long since faded and our sex life leaves much to be desired. I respect him and want to continue our relationship and keep the lifestyle we've built together, but I have found that for sexual release I have turned to the internet. I get on chat lines and end up having some pretty hot sexual sessions via the computer. It's safe, discreet and I never meet the men with whom I chat. But the other day my friend was talking to me and told me she had caught her husband chatting with a girl online and she's upset because she thinks it's the same as cheating! That got me worried, is engaging in cybersex outside of your relationship the same as cheating???
Guilty Keystroke
Dear Keystroke,
There are bigger issues here than cybersex. After 4 & ½ years, a couple does need to work at keeping the passion and spark in the relationship - something that you and your boyfriend are obviously not doing. You don't want to spend the rest of your life in this "lifestyle you've built together with your best friend"... because if this was the healthy way that people lived in our society, we would all spend our lives living with our best friends and just have casual sex on the side. You sound like a "desperate housewife," (pardon the pop culture reference)... not like the intelligent, thoughtful, sexy woman that you obviously are.
Bottom line, you're taking the easy way out, lady. Everyone loves a new relationship - that exciting, fresh spark...the amazing sexual energy that newness invokes. I used to say there's nothing like it - but there actually is. It's the intensely intimate passion that only comes from being with and knowing someone inside and out. When I think of my wife spread eagle on her stomach in our bed, the warm, afternoon sun streaming in and dancing over every curve, every nuance of her body...having her so prone and exposed and comfortable with me, knowing I can do absolutely anything and she'll love it - well, there's just nothing as hot as that.
But I digress...
You really need to focus on your boyfriend, see if you can rekindle the spark that you once had. You obviously take the initiative online with strangers, what's stopping you from taking it at home? Try a new persona with your boyfriend, try new tactics. Ask him to do things he's never done before, try sex in new places.
And I hate to say it, but if none of this works for you - perhaps you're in the wrong relationship. They say sex is a good gauge of a relationship, and they say this for a reason. If the passion is gone for good - then you really are living with your best friend, and he'll be nothing more for all of your livelong days. Not a way I would recommend you spend the rest of your life.
To address your basic question: Yes, engaging in cybersex is cheating. You are giving your attention, involvement and sexuality to somebody else. Not only is this cheating, it's compounding the problem with your boyfriend. If you're giving yourself to someone else, how can you give the necessary sexual energy to the relationship? (This is similar to having an "emotional affair" with a friend or with someone at the office - here again you are sharing intimacies with a person outside of your relationship.)
If you just can't give up the internet, try a simple douse of flirting - and then take the pent up sexual tension to the bedroom with your boyfriend. Look at porn, indulge in fantasy - but again, use this all as sexual ammunition with the real, live person you've chosen to build a life with.
Quit your keystroking and get to some real strokin'. Good luck!
- Barnabus
Originally published May 2006 - "Hot Tamales"