My boyfriend and I have been together for about eight months now. We have an awesome sex life and are very adventurous in bed. Now he's asking for a threesome and I'm just not comfortable with the idea. I'm worried that I'm not enough for him anymore. I'm also worried that I'd be jealous seeing him with another woman. Plus I'm not at all bisexual. He's very persistent and I'm afraid if I don't fulfill this fantasy that he may go find it somewhere else. What should I do?
- Three's A Crowd
Dear Three,
More often than not, threesomes are a lot of fun, and will make for an adventure you'll never forget. However, if your boyfriend is being this persistent about having one knowing that you don't feel the same way, I think you and him might have some problems.
You have two choices with this situation:
First, you can just say no to the threesome. The possible consequences would be that he goes behind your back and finds his threesome somewhere else, he breaks up with you altogether, or he just lives with it and never brings it up again. If he cheats or breaks up with you over not being able to have a threesome, then it is evident that he is extremely selfish and you are better off without him. This also means he has no care or consideration about how you feel and this attitude would only become worse later on in your relationship.
Second, you could sit down and talk with him about it. You could explain your reasons for not wanting to be in a threesome and he would have a chance to explain why he thinks it is necessary. Then, with all viewpoints on the table, the two of you could decide if it's a possibility still or if the subject should be dropped. You could also suggest a threesome with your boyfriend and another guy and see how he feels about that.
If you decided to go ahead with the threesome, there should be some definitive rules set in place before any clothing is shed.
- 1. The other person, man or woman, should be someone you trust. The other person should be made aware of and follow the rules you set in place or they should be shown to the door.
- 2. Condoms, Condoms, Condoms. Always use protection.
- 3. Have a glass of wine. It'll help you relax.
- 4. Establish boundaries. Having another woman in bed with you does not mean you are bisexual. You do not have to have any kind of sexual contact with the other woman.
- 5. Share but be as naughty as you are comfortable with. That goes for him too.
- 6. No jealous words or actions. You cannot be jealous in a threesome. That's a recipe for disaster. This is why you should have your rules set out ahead of time.
These are just some of the things I think should be considered before engaging in this kind of sexual activity. If you decide to go ahead with this, then you need to come up with your own ground rules and have everyone follow them.
I know you want your boyfriend to be happy, but don't compromise your principles to do it. If after talking to him about this, you are still adamant about not wanting to be in a threesome, stick to your guns. Don't let him continue to try to talk you into it if you've already established that this is a sexual boundary that you just aren't willing to cross. Boyfriends come and go in life but your principles are with you forever. You will feel better about your decision later on knowing that you did not compromise your principles. I'm interested to find out how this turns out for you.
Good luck,
Sabastien
I'm a single girl looking for Mr. Right. But I find that most guys that approach me just aren't my type. Is it OK for me to take the initiative and to approach guys who I think would be right for me? Does a guy get put off when the woman makes the first move?
-Too Forward
Dear TF,
I think it's perfectly acceptable for a woman to take the initiative and approach a guy that they think will be right for them. Twenty five or thirty years ago this might have been a taboo subject. Then, if a woman made the first move, she might have been considered too forward or a tramp by her peers. Now though, women have fought for and gained more of an equal standing in a society that used to be primarily dominated by men.
I have to be perfectly honest though. Many guys, myself included, are so busy with whatever is going on in their day to day life, to notice subtle advances that a woman might be making. Some guys are too shy to do anything about it even if they do notice. I, myself, am one of those shy guys. It's extremely difficult for me to approach a woman that I'm interested in and make the first move even if I know that she's interested as well.
I think that the way you approach a guy will determine if he's put off by you right away or not though. If you are loud or obnoxious right from the start, you could scare the guy and send him running. More often than not, I'm attracted to a woman that uses a lot of eye contact, smiles often, and has a friendly demeanor. She might also throw in some subtle touches. She could touch his arm, shoulder or hand without seeming too forward and still get her point across.
As long as your approach doesn't scare the guy right away, I think you'll do well. You have to make sure that the guy is comfortable with you and then you can guide things in the direction you would like them to go. Remember, smiles and eye contact. A friend told me years ago that if a woman smiles with her eyes, she can get almost anything she wants.
Good luck on your search,
Sabastien
Originally published December 2005 - "Naughty or Nice?"