Dear Jordan,
I'm a 19-year-old woman. Recently, whenever my boyfriend and I messed around he seemed to be thinking of something...or somebody else. When I asked him what was wrong he told me that he didn't know. A few days later I was walking out of a mall store, and to my surprise, I saw him there. I was about to go over to him when I noticed the other person. He was with my brother. And they were..."kissing" in the corner. I felt so disgusted; he didn't see me so I went straight home. I waited for him. When he got home he tried to give me a kiss, but I pushed him away. He asked me what was wrong; I yelled "get out." He left, but he won't stop calling me. Should I tell him that I know the truth?
*Confused About Lover...and Brother*
Dear Confused,
I can understand why you would be so confused. You have been hit with a triple whammy. 1. Your boyfriend has been unfaithful. 2. You thought he was straight and he is displaying gay behavior. 3. Your own brother has betrayed you.
First let me say that I'm very sorry that you are going through such a difficult situation.
Second, and to answer your initial question, yes you should tell your boyfriend you know the truth and then very clearly and firmly break off your relationship with him. I don't know you and your boyfriend's history, but at 19-years-old, it seems that you don't have any reason to fight for this guy. He is clearly an unhealthy (and confused) individual to be involved with. If you choose to continue this relationship, you'll never be able to trust him, and that's a shame as trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Not only that, it's become evident that he is gay, and a relationship between a straight woman and a gay man is doomed to fail.
The third issue, and possibly most devastating, is that of your brother's betrayal. Your brother cannot be rid of as easily as a boyfriend. In an ideal world you would be able to confront your brother with the issue and come to a mutual resolution that involves forgiveness and the ability to move on in a healthy manner. However, there is a very distinct possibility that he will continue to see your (ex)-boyfriend and this will just add more injury to the situation and make it difficult for you to move on. Therefore my suggestion is that you speak with your brother, tell him how much he hurt you and ask for him to stop this behavior. After all, the world is full of cute, gay boys that he could pursue who have not been in a relationship with you. If he continues to behave in such a way, and stays with your ex, put as much distance between you and your brother as you possibly can. Perhaps you can revisit the issue and resolve it when you have both grown up a little and can assess the situation more maturely. If your brother lives with you at your parents' house it may be time for you to spread your wings and get out of there. I can't imagine that your upbringing was very solid considering that you subconsciously chose such a boyfriend in the first place, and the fact that your brother betrayed you without second thought.
If you feel that you are unable to heal from this betrayal, you may want to seek professional counseling to help you through it. If you can't move beyond the hurt you'll carry it with you into future relationships, continue to choose unsuitable partners and have serious issues with trust.
I've recently learned a healing technique that you may or may not choose to try. Write a letter to your ex-boyfriend and tell him how much he has hurt you and why, do the same to your brother. When you have completed the letter say the following, "This being said I now release you from my life and I ask you to release me from yours. If there is any outstanding karma may we complete that with someone else." Now burn the letter (in a safe environment)and say to the spirit (or God) "this is my will that you take this away from me." It has been my experience that this healing process manifests itself by literally causing a physical sensation of a burden being lifted from my shoulders and it leaves me free to live fully and learn new lessons in life.
Good luck!
xoxo
Jordan
Additional Resources
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing
Healing from Family Rifts
When Your Lover Is a Liar
Originally published July 2007 - "Sexy Success"