Book of Joe

Internet Porn Problems

Tags: 2008 ,  Book of Joe ,  Porn ,  Sex Advice

Free Sex Advice

"Internet Porn Problems" sex advice from Dr. Dick

Dear Dr. Dick,

Recently I accidentally discovered that my husband is downloading porn onto his computer from the internet. There’s a lot of it and it all features teenage girls. I feel sick at the discovery. Why in the world would he hide something like this? I don’t get it, and I don’t know what to do about it.    

     - Janet, 32, Sacramento

Janet,

Let’s see, why would your husband hide his sexual fantasies from you? Ahhh, maybe it’s because he knows that if he ever did share this private little part of his life with you, you’d pitch a fit just like you are doing now.

So your husband has a harmless fantasy life. Big deal! Get over it, darling. You want honesty in your marriage, Janet? Then stop being such a prig.

Fact is, most straight men groove on young female flesh. (Gay men on young male flesh.) Where’s the surprise in that? The male brain is hot-wired to find youth attractive and alluring. It has something to do with the original purpose of sex — procreation. Youthfulness equals fertility; it’s as simple and genetically programmed as that. Your husband is just bein’ a guy. Why would you berate him for that?

Even though most mature straight males want to gawk at teenage titties, they are rarely stupid enough to think they can compete with hot and hunky younger men for the affections of these nubile vixens. Despite their rich fantasy life, they are more likely to stick with the adult females they’ve married. The guys who are to dense to figure this out, are likely to be absolutely miserable in the pursuit of what will constantly elude them. So give your old man a break, and let him enjoy a little virtual thrill.

Oh and Janet, and all you other people out there who are snooping around in other people’s private affairs — stop it! Do you honestly think that I fell for that “oh, I accidentally discovered downloaded porn on my husband’s computer” bullshit? Shame on you for prying into his private life without his permission. You have no right to do that. Even in a marriage an individual has a right to privacy and you, my dear, violated that trust. If anyone ought to be upset at this discovery it should be him.    

Good luck y'all!

Dr. Dick

Originally published February 2008

Comments

• Z
  2/14/2008 4:44:59 PM

  wow! harsh! I don't think she should be snooping and no doubt she's taking it a bit too seriously. I mean what guy doesn't have a porn collection? and, honestly not many guys are jerking off to older women (no matter if they are usually better in bed in real life). But still...harsh response! I think openness in a relationship is critical. If she really feels like this is an issue and the relationship is healthy they can address it in a mature way and not point fingers at each other. Be nice Dr. Dick!
• Bdub
  2/14/2008 5:08:29 PM

  Janet - maybe play to his fantasies a bit, whats the harm in dressing up like a school girl or cheerleader? Maybe instead of calling him out on the fact he has a healthy sex appetite, you should take advantage of it ;) I would say go as far as Strawberry Shortcake or Dorothy from Oz, but who knows how adventurous you are...
• JLR
  2/14/2008 6:54:29 PM

  Bdub - this is really great advice! I love it. And yes she is blessed to have a man with a healthy libido. In lieu of talking to him about his porn collection she should arrange for a romantic evening in (let him know that there is a surprise in store - so as not to catch him off guard after a bad day at work) and dress the part of the naughty schoolgirl. After all, she snooped and certainly does deserve a solid spanking with a ruler. Fun!
• Al Harrington
  3/7/2008 1:38:29 PM

  Dr. Dick, I agree with Z in that you’re being too harsh on Janet. She’s not pitching a fit, she’s asking for help figuring out why her husband is doing something. I disagree with both of you and JLR in that there’s not enough data given to say she’s snooping. Maybe she was, but, equally possible, is that he asked her to look up some file, in which case he would or should have been aware that she might find out what he was doing. This could have been his subliminal way of giving her a message. If that’s true we then have to ask how she should handle that situation. As Z said, if they have a healthy and open relationship, they need to talk about it. I also like Bdub’s and JLR’s ideas about setting up a romantic and erotic situation because this site is all about erotic things including fantasies. Janet’s letter also didn’t say whether she and her husband have a good sex life or not. If they do he might be asking her for something different. If they don’t, he might be hinting that if he doesn’t get some, he’ll look elsewhere. Again, the data given are not sufficient to support any hypothesis.
• Violetta Tarpinian
  3/11/2008 11:12:11 PM

  Rarely have I read such dribble, on every level, and so fantastically beside the point. Does this letter from Janet even exist or was it just a ruse to write this dope? If there’s really a Janet, I hope she reads this, for a change. I hardly know where to begin. With guys will be guys? And that excuses everything? A harmless fantasy life about all teenage girls? That's called a healthy sex appetite? Any man who salivates exclusively over teenage girls has a problem, and it’s not going to get better as he gets older. I know the story of a man who’s stuck on teenagers and ruined all his real life relationships. Not pretty! If we’re talking “procreation” in biological terms then actually the experienced female is of greater allure to the male as she is more likely to bring pregnancies to term and successfully raise this precious genetic material to adulthood. That is so everywhere in the animal world. The human male who prefers very young females isn’t following a biological need, he’s looking for dominance and control. Teenagers, both female and male, are still immature and therefore vulnerable and easy to influence. Why doesn’t anybody think about the exploitation of teenagers in the porn industry? Why doesn’t anybody think about the need of teenagers as sexual objects because men can’t respond to the needs or stand up to the demands of an intelligent mature partner? Why is this husband hiding his sexual fantasies from his wife? Because he doesn’t want her to know and he doesn’t want to share, under any circumstances, duh! Because he doesn’t want his wife, he wants something else, duh! If you follow this up consequently at all, why don’t you advise her straight out to put an ad in the paper for a teenage girl to fulfill hubbies little fantasies? Instead here comes the asinine advise to arrange for a romantic evening, dress up like a naughty school girl, do this do that to get his attention and seduce him and what not. In other words, it’s still the old convention of it being the wife’s duty to make herself attractive for her husband, even if in so many kinky ways. Next thing is we have to wear high heels again while cleaning house and making dinner like our mothers or grandmothers. What about his part in making his marriage sexually exciting, if that’s what he really wants? How many husbands get lazy in the erotic home department and look for easy kicks on the internet? And let’s say she does it. Do you think he’ll say, “Great, baby, let’s play!” What if he says, “Don’t be silly, you’re an old woman of 32, act your age”. She’ll be left standing with a long face that won’t make her any more attractive in the youth competition. Then there’s the right to privacy issue. Such things need to be negotiated, not taken for granted either way. The ideal situation in an “honest” marriage is that both partners have access to everything. And if they don’t, please put up a sign “no trespassing” and give a reason. There’s also a difference between privacy and a secret life. Secret lives destroy committed relationships. There are no issues of “rights” involved here but issues of furtiveness, dishonesty, lying and cheating. Did she accidentally find or did she snoop? Why should you doubt that she came upon some big indicator accidentally, like typing something into the google search window and the whole cache under that letter opens up. Anything starting with “s” for example, like “sex” this and “sex” that. Or with “t”, like “teenage sluts”, and so on. Would you have said, “Oh it’s my husband’s privacy, I’ll put it all back into the box”, or would you have started to look and to read? Well, I would, not being as holy as though and a lot more curious where my relationship were at stake. And I would speak to my husband and tell him I’m very upset over what I found (don’t get back at me with privacy here!) and please explain. That’s not pitching a fit, that’s legitimate concern. I would tell him to please share, communicate, bring me in. Let’s watch a porn flick together and let’s fuck. Good thing she snooped, if she did. Now she found out. That her marriage is dysfunctional and needs to go to counseling asap. That’s the advise she needs to be given. There’s also such a thing as sex addiction, which isn’t harmless at all and if that should be his problem it needs to be addressed, pronto. Let’s tell her about sex addicts anonymous where she (and he) can talk to people who are compassionate about these issues, not snide and sneering. “Dick” is also a slang word for police. Our Dr. Dick is making himself pompous as the “privacy police”, corrupt at that as police so often are, protecting the rights of conventional male chauvinism and convenience. In your own words, Dr. Dick: “Shame on you”. V.T.
• JLR
  3/13/2008 11:24:52 AM

  Violetta thank you so much for your VERY thoughtful comments. I think you brought up some really great points here. First, as far as I know all of Dr. Dick's questions come from real sources (www.drdicksexadvice.com) he is a well established counselor in the industry. As with any advice column, it's important to remember that we usually don't get the whole story in any question and it's very hard to evaluate the real issues at stake. Therefore any advice given should be looked at skeptically and does not replace the advice of a counselor or physician. You've definitely made at least ME look at this question from a completely different perspective. I skimmed over the fact that her husband is looking at TEEN porn, rather than porn featuring young, healthy bodies. Also I agree with you 100% that the basis of a healthy relationship is open communication. Without communication and honesty the relationship is in serious danger. So rather than my flirty unserious comment that she should dress as a school girl, you are right she should let him know she found his porn and has concerns. Open up the honesty right away. The answers she learns may be perfectly acceptable or it may open up the fact that there are some serious issues in the relationship that need to be addressed. Unfortunately and obviously, there's no way we'll be able to solve Janet's problem with our commentary. Thanks again for your comments! xoxo JLR
• dr dick
  3/13/2008 12:02:46 PM

  wow, i sure touched a nerve here, don't cha know. just so ya'll don't go spinnin' off thinking i'm make up these questions, Janet is a real person. i've read enough other advice columns to recognize that she also represents a class of people in relationships who are upset by or threatened by the fantasy life of their partners. just this week i heard from another correspondent, a woman who's sister has rape fantasies. she, like Janet, wanted to know if her sister was fucked up in some ways. again, i explained to this new correspondent that fantasies are just that...fantasies. and Ms Violetta, darling, i believe you way overreacted. you got issues with porn and exploitation, good! so do i. but that's not what i was talking about to Janet. i stand by my response. and you know what else? this is free advice. and the beauty part of free advice is you can take it or leave it.
• Violetta Tarpinian
  3/14/2008 3:08:31 PM

  Thank you JLR for putting your very attractive thinking cap back on. Yes, Janet's breathless letter leaves out much vital information, perhaps on purpose. Guilt and shame often shortchange our disclosures. Point is, she was looking for help. It does not help to be scolded, even if she did snoop. There's a reason for snooping. The rule of thumb is: ask, don't snoop. If you can't ask, get help to work on that. If you can and do ask and don't get answers, go snoop. If you snoop, deal with the consequences. Dr. Dick tells me that he recognized her as representing "a class of people in relationships who are upset by or threatened by the fantasy life of their partners." I read a prejudice at work in that sentence, as I read prejudice in all of his advice to Janet. If people feel threatened by something there's a reason, real or imagined. That reason has to be addressed. With kindness and some empathy, please, Dr. Dick. Don't take a sledgehammer to a headache, ok, darling? Of course I overreacted, as I have always overreacted to injustice and stupidity. I'm a hotwire, ask the men in my life. As for the advice being free and therefore not subject to quality control I'm with great-grandpa who said: "I couldn't never afford anything that was for free".
• JLR
  3/14/2008 5:36:45 PM

  Violetta, you are so insightful and you look hot in your thinking cap too!!! This brings to mind an experience I had with a VERY BAD boyfriend in my past. The guy would never tell me the truth no matter how much I asked him. In fact the more question I asked the crazier he made me feel. I knew something was wrong in the relationship though, so for the first and only time in my life I went ahead and snooped. At first I felt bad about snooping, but after I found out he was cheating on me with dozens of other women, and was also stealing money from me and dozens of other woman, the snooping was obviously justified. I learned to NEVER doubt my intuition ever, ever again. And equally as important don't let anyone make you feel crazy or stupid for acting upon your intuition. xoxo JLR
• dr dick
  3/15/2008 9:11:22 AM

  now i know what hillary clinton must feel like...only i'm being ganged up on by the women folk. but i'm a fighter, a tough old broad (except for the broad part) just like her. i suppose this is a classic example of gender based points of view, maybe even a prejudice, as you suggest, Violetta. not a bad thing, necessarily, just is. i don't tend to coddle folks of any gender for doing things i think are less then honest. like when a guy writes to me to tell me he ain't gettin' laid at home so he wanders, letting his johnson lead the way. i let him know, in no uncertain terms, that ain't right. i gave janet the same treatment. i call 'em as i sees 'em. i'm called many things by people who don't agree with my advice, but rarely is it a "sexist". and thanks for the support, JLR. you're so right. i absolutely refuse to feel crazy or stupid for acting on my intuition, even if it's not popular in some circles.
• Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child
  3/15/2008 12:42:54 PM

  Wow! There are quite a few comments on this so I will do my best not to drag this on. I wanted to mention that when we talk about porn and erotica on this site, I assume, that it is all "legal". Teen porn is very legal. Barely 18 is the first thing to come to mind. I am sure no one would pause to inform the authorities if they discovered true child porn on someones computer. Especially if that person was your partner. With that being said I think communication is this ladies best weapon against her husbands curiosities. He might not object to changing his porn choice. I really don't have much of a preference to what type of porn I masturbate by. As long as the people are enjoying themselves I will get off. Her hubby might be the same way. But she won't know until she ask...
• charlie
  2/9/2011 11:05:07 PM

  Hmm, the writer didn't say if her husband is not deliberately having sex with her . If that's the case, then she should leave. End of story. On the other hand, if she's just tried to determine when he should and should not think sexual thoughts then she needs to leave. Now. And she should have decency to say on future dates," I'm going to control just what sexual thoughts you are allowed to have. "

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