Dear Dr. Dick,
I usually have orgasms when I masturbate, but why when I'm having sex, it's so hard to arrive at an orgasm, even when the sex is great. Why is this?
- Afeisha, Penssylvania, 21
Dear Afeisha,
Women suffer from performance anxiety too, ya know.
While performance anxiety is mostly talked about in terms of men and their erection problems, the guys don’t have a monopoly on the annoying issue.
I’d be willing to guess, my dear, that you’ve got some performance anxiety goin on
yourself, possibly even big time. Sad to say, this difficulty often plagues younger women the most. Young women tend to have lower self-esteem. And if they are new to sex, they may not know what they are doing, which can be disturbing and distracting. On the other hand, if a young woman is not a sexual novice and she appears too knowledgeable about sex, she runs the risk of being labeled a slut. So basically, young women can’t win for losing. Regrettable, but there ya have it.
So let’s see if we can get to the bottom of this, as it were. Let me ask you a few questions. First and foremost, where is your mind when you are having sex with a partner? Is it on the pleasure you are giving and receiving? Or is it, like so many people, on something other than that?
- If your mind is busy with how you look, or how you smell, or if you are wondering if that birthmark is too obvious, or if you’re worried about how accomplished you are at performing a particular sex act, or if you’re concerned about your partner feelings for you, then you may have performance anxiety.
- If you anxious about what your partner is thinking of you, of if he/she is turned on by you, or loves you, or is just bangin’ away at you like a slab of beef, then you may have performance anxiety.
- If you’re afraid to let go and have a screamin’ meme of an orgasm, because it might not look lady-like, or you’re not sure you can trust the person who’s bumpin’ you enough to just relax and enjoy the ride, then you may have performance anxiety.
However, performance anxiety is only one explanation for the problem you experience in partnered sex. Many women report that their partnered sex is not as satisfying as their solo sex, because they’re not able to stimulate themselves in the same fashion in partnered sex as you do when they’re jillin’ off on their own. If you are self-conscious about showing your partner the particulars of gettin yourself off, or too intimidated to incorporate a vibrator in your love making, you might not be getting what you need when you need it. Thus you might be aroused, but not to the point of lettin’ one loose…if ya catch my drift.
Finally, one of the easiest solutions to this problem is to simply have a frank discussion with your partner(s) about what gets you off before the fuck-fest begins. That will clear the air of unnecessary anticipation and you both will be able to relax more into the event itself, rather than being distracted by the externals.
Good luck ya’ll
Originally published April, 2008