Dear Jordan,
I’ve been married for two years. My husband is a wonderful man and we have a solid relationship. He and I share a lot of interests and values. Except for one thing: I’m actually a submissive in bed and he doesn’t know it. I’ve been tolerating vanilla sex for the duration of our relationship because he is such a loving man and I don’t want to ruin our marriage over my need for spankings. I spend a lot of time looking at BDsM porn when he’s away on business and I’ve been fulfilling my needs pretty successfully, but it’s nothing like having an actual whip on my ass cheeks. I’m starting to worry that my desire is going to get in the way of my relationship one way or another.
What should I do?
-Really a sub
Dear sub,
You hit the nail on the head when you said “my desire is going to get in the way of my relationship one way or another.” It's unfortunate that you’ve been withholding your sexual secret for two full years of your marriage, but at least it hasn't been 15 years! It's not too late. One of the biggest reasons for adultery between married couples is mismatched sex drives or proclivities. The mismatch is exacerbated when one partner or the other doesn’t come out about his or her desires, and holds it inside. The sexual tension builds up and is stoked by your feelings of frustration between the sheets, and the next thing you know your husband is on a business trip and you’re bent over the knee of a stranger named Frank who has you calling out “Yes Daddy!” as he plies your needy ass cheeks with a studded paddle. How could you ever, EVER show your ass to your husband again after a scene like that?
So to avoid the walk of shame back to your married life after an excursion of this nature, and to avoid lies piling up between you, you have only one option: You have to tell him what you want!
Communication is the key to success in a relationship and this does not exclude sex talk. So get on the subject while you two are snuggled up in bed next to each other with the lights out, perhaps post-coitus. Say something like, “Honey, you know I love fucking you, you have such an incredible cock. You know what I’ve been fantasizing about? I want to be your sex slave. I want you to tie me up and spank me and cum all over my ass and tell me what a bad slut I am.” See how he responds. If he’s totally turned on you may discover that your sexual needs aren’t so far off the mark from his! If he’s turned off…well your problem may run a little deeper than we had hoped – you two may be sexually incompatible. (Read my article The Thrill is Gone for advice on this topic.)
Image by Lochai available at Obsession Art
If he shows interest, definitely explore the topic of Domination and submission in detail with him. Let him know that you aren’t talking about just a once-in-a-while sex game. Tell him you are sexually submissive and seeking a Dominant sex partner. One of the hardest parts about being a submissive who is trying to morph a formerly vanilla partner into a Dom is that s/he has to take the lead on a lot more of the play than s/he would want to. At first you’re going to have to express in black and white some of the things you’d like to experience. You’re going to have to ask for spankings and bondage and hot candle wax and for him to call you dirty names and to dish out punishments and humiliation and whatever else turns you on. Hopefully he’ll be a quick study, though, and start coming up with some ideas on his own. Buy books on the subject; rent porn: read dirty stories to him so he understand what it is exactly that you want from him. You don’t have to suddenly jump from satin sheets to dungeon games, but because for subs BDsM is a sexual lifestyle, you’ll want to keep building your sex life around this new, core ideal. He really needs to be on board with this and he needs to learn to be your Dom.
Over time, with open minds, communication, education and practice I believe you can enjoy a satisfying BDsM sex life with your husband.
Have fun and good luck!
Jordan
Additional Resources
Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction
BDSM Primer
Originally published April, 2008