Whew! I really opened a can of worms with today's topic. As regular readers of my articles know, over the past year I’ve presented you with my results from the most unscientific studies dealing with lousy sex, masturbation, anal sex, and others. My last article led to a curiosity about threesomes, and whether my friends had ever had ever enjoined in a menage trois, so I dutifully made up questionnaires, passed them out to my regulars, and started compiling results.
Normally I get enough material from my regular survey group that I can fill pages and pages. However, with the topic of threesomes, there were few positive responses, so I had to open up the survey group to a wider demographic, so to speak.
Each of my regular 15 women were asked the following:
1. Have you ever had a threesome with a man and another woman?
A. How old were you the first time?
B. Who initiated it?
C. Was there any sexual contact between you and the other woman?
D. Do you do it regularly?
E. Would you do it (again)?
2. Have you ever had a threesome with two men?
A. How old were you the first time?
B. Who initiated it?
C. Was there any sexual contact between the two men?
D. Do you do it regularly?
E. Would you do it (again)?
The five men in my regular group were asked the same questions, with genders switched, of course. And the results: Nine of the women and one of the men have never had a threesome. Of the nine women, seven of them were not open at all to having a threesome with anyone. Winnie, 27, said she might be up for either type of threesome under the right circumstances.
"What would those circumstances be?" I asked.
After some thought, she admitted, "I’m not sure. You remember I told you about the only time I was with another woman, that was really bad. If it happened with a man and another woman, I think I’d have to make sure she and I didn’t do anything."
"Don’t you think that a woman involved in such a thing might be more attuned to your needs and want to give as much as receive?"
"Al, I tried it once and it was a disaster. I don’t want anything to do with a woman again."
"Okay, so if you’re with two men, are you going to let them both do you at the same time?"
"If you mean both down there," she glanced downward, "no. I told you once that the back door is exit only. Nothing goes in."
The youngest girl, Jennie, 19, was more open. Not just a maybe, but: "Oh, yes. That’s something else that I want to try sometime. I think I need a few years to figure out who I am and that means I have to try all sorts of stuff."
"Would you go out and try to set up such a thing or just wait for it to happen?"
"Oh, I’d have to wait. I don’t think I could ask for it."
"Wait for what? How would it have to happen? You’re in bed doing it with a guy and he suddenly says, ‘Gee, I’d like to do you and your friend.’ Would that do it?"
"Al, you can really be an asshole when you try. No, if a guy said that I’d dump him in a minute." She stopped to gather her thoughts and then said, "Okay, I think I’d have to be at a party with two guys both trying to get into my pants and if I couldn’t decide between them, maybe. I don’t know. Maybe."
"So alcohol would have to be involved?"
She just grinned at me and slowly answered, "Yes, I think that would have something to do with it."
Now let's discuss the women who had had such an encounter. As always, Cathy was easy to interview -- I simply asked her while we were in bed one afternoon. I told her I was thinking of writing about threesomes and asked if she had ever had one.
"Just threesomes?" she asked. Yes, that went over my head until later. I made some kind of affirmative comment and she said, "Sure, I’ve done some group stuff." Yes, I’m really that dumb because that comment also went over my head.
"When was the first one?" I asked.
She thought a moment and then said, "College. Most of that kind of wild stuff was when I was in college. It was with my roommate and her date. I woke up in the middle of the night and they were going at it in her bed. I listened for a while and then said something like, ‘For goodness’s sake, if you’re going to be that loud, you could at least invite me over.’ And they did."
"Just what did you do?"
"That first time? I don’t really remember everything. I know he did me and then did her. I can’t remember anything else about it."
"Did that become a regular thing?"
"No. I did it again three or four times over the years with different girlfriends."
"Was there any sexual contact between you and the other girl?"
"Sure."
"You want to go into any details?"
"Al, you know I’ve been with women several times, you’ll have to guess what we did."
"How about a threesome with two men?"
"Yeah. With my first boyfriend after I graduated. After three or four months he started bugging me about doing it with me and one of my friends. I told him turnabout was fair play and if he got two girls, I got two guys. So we set it up."
"Set it up how?"
"Well, I called a girlfriend and she said she was up for it and then I tried to figure out who else I’d like to do." She at least had the courtesy to blush a bit before she continued, "You have to remember, this was a wild period for me and I didn’t care who I was screwing."
"So, what happened?"
"We did it. My girlfriend came over one night and we shared him. Then a couple weeks later I met a guy I liked and invited him over and we did it while my boyfriend watched."
"So, were you taking care of both the men at the same time?"
"Al, I don’t feel good talking about things like that with you."
"Why not?"
"Look, I’ve listened to some of the tapes of these interviews you’ve done and I could see answering those questions for someone else. But with what we do together, I’m just not comfortable talking to you about it."
"Cathy, we’ve always talked about everything."
"But you’ll notice that I’ve never told you anything specific about what I’ve done. As long as we’re sleeping together, I’m not talking to you about it."
Well, that was the end of that interview and also led to our first argument since we’ve been together. Hmm, maybe I should write an article on arguments. On second thought, scratch that idea; somehow I think Cathy would be waaay too willing to provide input on that topic.
So, we’ll move on to Amy, 41, who had a story similar to Cathy’s. "Yes, I did both of them one time."
"When was that?"
"Well, I had just graduated from high school, so I guess I was about eighteen. I had a boyfriend that was twenty-six and he asked me once about one of my friends. He mentioned that she was really hot and wanted to get both of us in bed at the same time. I told him that his friend, Hal was pretty hot and just added something about what’s good for the goose and we ended up agreeing that we’d do it."
"And you did?"
"Yes, but it wasn’t for another six months or so. I had already started college when he showed up with his friend one night and we spent the night together."
"Would you share the details?"
Amy smiled at me and said, "Remember I told you about how I used the back door for birth control? Well, that night was the first time I ever did that. Both the guys wanted to do it without protection and I made both of them use the back door that night."
"Okay, but did you do anything with both of them at the same time?"
She paused and then grinned at me and said, "And then a couple weeks later I arranged for my boyfriend to come over while my hot girlfriend was there."
"So we’re not going to describe the other event?"
"Nope. And I’m not going into any details about the second time. He did my girlfriend, he did me, and she and I did some kissing and playing. That’s it."
"Yes, but ..."
"That’s all you get." And she got up and walked away. She and her boyfriend Stan moved shortly after that and I haven’t heard from either one since then.
Lonnie, 30, simply said that the topic had never come up with any of her past lovers so she had never done it. She also said she had no desire to try it. Now, Lonnie is the friend who, long ago, mentioned she had just had a lousy sexual experience and started this whole string of articles. The curious thing was how she completed her questionnaire. There were three things that sparked my interest. For the question of age asking about the first time for a threesome, she wrote in, "straight sex" and then crossed it out. For who initiated it she wrote "him" and then crossed it out and wrote no. For the question dealing with whether there was any sexual contact between her and the other woman she wrote "NEVER."
The first two answers lead me to believe that some former lover asked her about having a threesome once, but they didn’t do it. The last answer implied that she had never had a lesbian experience and has no desire for one. Lesbian experiences, hmm, maybe another topic to be explored.
Frankie, 25, is an ex-girlfriend and I knew at least one of her answers. I also had to be very careful asking her because it was one of the things that broke us up. Several years ago, toward the end of our relationship, we were having some rough times and I made some comment about one of her friends being really sexy. "Oh, maybe you’d rather fuck her?" she said one day. Okay, I’m a man and men are dumb. Rather than considering what I was about to say, I just answered with, "Well, not rather, but I wouldn’t mind." A week later, coming home from work, I found the two of them waiting for me and we spent the night in bed. Frankie admitted later that she had never done that before and wasn’t sure if she wanted to do it again. During that occasion I remember that she and her friend did not have any contact with each other. It was also the last time that Frankie and I were ever in bed together.
When I recently asked her about this she simply affirmed the fact that she had done it that one time, hadn’t done it since, but would be open to it. She said she had never had a threesome with two men. When I asked her if she would be willing, she thought a really long time before saying that she might be open to it under the right circumstances. As with some of the other girls, she had no idea what those circumstances might be.
Diane, 52, and Christie, 29, had similar stories to tell. Neither had ever had a threesome with a man and another woman. Diane said, "My husband and I divorced when I was 23 and I rebounded to another boyfriend. He turned out to be a real asshole and one night he came home drunk and decided to smack me around so I just left. I left all my clothes and belongings and just walked out. I got a couple of blocks down the road when a guy gave me a ride. He had an apartment nearby and I went back there for the night. I slept with him that night and the next day found that he had a roommate. For the next week or so I alternated sleeping with each of them. Then one afternoon we were sitting on the couch watching TV and we all started playing around and the next thing I knew I was on my hands and knees sucking off one of them while the other was doing me from behind."
"Was there any sexual contact between the two men?"
"None at all. They seemed to go out of their way to avoid touching each other."
"Did that become a regular thing?"
"No, not really, we did it again four other times in the couple months I lived with them. Other than that I’ve never done it since."
"Would you be willing to?"
"Not that I’m married now. If I were single, maybe."
Christie had also just broken up with her boyfriend when she tried a threesome. "I went to a party and, after a few drinks, somebody mentioned, ‘road trip,’ and I was soon in a car with two guys going somewhere, Vegas I think. We only got as far as Barstow and then got a motel room for the night."
She paused to explain, "Look, I was drunk and I really don’t remember all that much about it. I know I did it with one of them and then with the other."
"Protection?"
"Uh, no."
"Weren’t you worried about getting pregnant?"
"Al, I told you we were drunk. I don’t think any of us even thought about it."
I thought a moment and then said, "When we were talking about the back door thing you made the comment that you’d never let a man inside you without protection."
"Al! I was drunk and it was a one-time thing." Another pause, and then, "So I did both of them that night and the next morning I woke up with one of them lying behind me doing it to me again. The other walked in from the bathroom and was standing beside the bed and I just naturally took care of him with my mouth.
"By then, none of us could remember where we were going so we just stayed in the motel another day and night. The guys had a couple bottles of bourbon and some pot and we stayed high the entire time. I think we did it three more times together."
"Any of the times with both of them at the same time?"
"If you mean front and back door at the same time, yes."
"Did you enjoy it?"
"Al, when we were talking about the back door, I told you I love that. Yes, I enjoyed having both of them at the same time."
"Any sexual contact between them?"
"Well, if you think about the positions involved in that, yes they were touching, but they didn’t do any, you know, homosexual stuff."
"So, four times. Any other occasions?"
"No, that was it. And, before you ask, no, I’ve never done it with a man and another woman."
"Would you be up for that?"
She didn’t even have to think before saying, "No. I’m not into women."
Brad, 32, had never been involved in a threesome, had no desire to share a woman with another man, but said he could, maybe, do it with two women.
This was another area about which Ralph, 27, was not willing to talk. On his questionnaire he indicated he had never had a threesome involving another man, he had one (at least) threesome with two women when he was seventeen, his girlfriend had initiated it, there was sexual contact between the two women, he does not do it regularly, but would be up for it in the future.
Bob and Kenny had both had threesomes with two women. Kenny, 57, had the most interesting story. "My wife gave me a girl for my birthday nine or ten years ago."
"Wait, Anna gave you a girl for your birthday? For sex?"
"Yeah, she and I went through a period of about five years when we weren’t really having a lot of sex. Business was bad at the time and it was probably my fault, but Anna thought it was her fault. She gave me a birthday party and she and I were the only ones there and she hired a stripper. At least I thought she was just a stripper. Before I knew it she was sitting on my lap, rubbing against me, and my wife was over there opening my pants. As the stripper sat on top of me having her way, Anna was standing behind me rubbing my neck and shoulders."
"Protection?"
"Of course."
"Any other times?"
"No."
"Would you do it again?"
"Only if Anna set it up." He paused a moment and then said, "No, that’s not right. No, I wouldn’t do it again. Anna and I have been really good ever since then. No, I wouldn’t do it again."
"How about setting Anna up for the same thing?"
He actually laughed about that. "After the stripper left Anna and I hopped into bed and had a really great night. The next morning I asked her if I could return the favor and she said no. Just a couple years ago I asked her again and she said she was completely satisfied with our sex life."
George, 63, was the only man who admitted to having a threesome with another man involved. "I don’t even know how it happened. It was at a party. I think I was about twenty-seven and this girl was coming on to me. We ended up in a bedroom and, after we were done, in came this guy. Okay, I’m old enough to figure out this is a badger game situation and he’s going to demand money. But he didn’t. He just told me that the girl was his wife and he wanted to watch while we did it again." He paused to grin at me, "Okay, I’m young, horny, and I’ve already done her once, so ... sure, I can do this. That’s where it got weird, she and I started and the guy got undressed and walked over to the bed. He was sticking it out at me and said, ‘You want to take care of this too?’ Whoa! I started to jump off her and she grabbed me, held me down, and said something to the guy about how I wasn’t interested. Then she just started sucking on him while I finished what I was doing." George paused again, and then said, "I could probably have had more fun that night, but when we were finished the guy went into the bathroom and I broke a speed record getting my clothes on and running from the room. Last time for that kind of thing."
"And the threesome with two women?"
He chuckled and said, "You’re not going to believe this, but it was actually boring."
"Wait, you’re in bed with two women and it was boring?"
"Yep. These two girls picked me up and made the offer. The thing was they were lesbian lovers, or bis, or something. I don’t know what. They just wanted a man around for some reason while they were doing each other and I was welcome to do whatever I wanted. So I started doing one from behind while she was chowing down on her girlfriend. Then one was lying on top of the other and I was trading off with first one and then the other." Another pause and a grin, "Then, when I was finished, they just kept at it and didn’t even say anything as I got dressed and left."
"Willing to do it again?"
"Al, I’m married. I’d never even suggest it."
Here’s where the can of worms comes in. After talking to everyone else, I finally remembered Cathy’s comment about doing all kinds of group stuff and asked her about it.
"When I graduated from college we had one last blowout party. There were about forty of us there and after drinking all day the sex started. I think I did five or six of the guys that night one way or another." She paused a moment and then added, "And two of the girls."
"Six? All at once?"
She laughed at that and said, "Of course not. The most I did at one time was three." She got quiet for a moment and then said, "After all these years I’ve figured out how I could have done six at the same time. Maybe I’m sorry I didn’t try it." Because she hadn’t been willing to talk about her other experiences, I was surprised she gave me even that much.
Which brings to an end my career as a sexual researcher – almost.
Originally published May, 2008.