Dear Aunt Chelsea,
This comment is in response to Zara's letter:
I stumbled into a cyber sex situation with a former writing partner with whom I had been communicating for a couple years. She and my wife had even shared some IM s over time, and we considered her a friend. One day as we were communicating in the midst of an erotic poem she went on an erotic spill as she had done previously but this time added that I was her fantasy lover. As I oft do, I found myself suddenly in a mental state of shock. Yes, I might had been on the alert for such but had gotten to the point of trusting her as a friend and felt a sadness as a result. I spent a lot of time trying to figure how I allowed such and argued with myself about it. Having never giving it thought I wondered if my sometimes leading comments could have triggered her feelings of freedom enough to fantasize about me sexually. Since then I have wondered how such an exchange if done knowingly would affect my psyche. Could I feel the freedom to express myself in such a situation? I have no idea.
As far as your responses to Zara’, Aunt Chelsea, they were on target, but I suspect they are unrealistic. I suspect that if two people, married or not, have a relationship via the net and decide to share sexual fantasies for the purpose of sexual thrills, many of them wouldn’t involve the spouse.
Del Cano
Dear Del,
I agree that many married people wouldn’t involve their spouse in cyber sex with a third person. I think that’s sad. In any committed relationship, ideally, both parties are willing to give themselves completely (body, mind and soul) to the other person. Sexual partners should strive for honesty and openness with one another; that includes sharing
fantasies that involve other people. (Everybody has them, if we’re really being honest.) If one spouse is much more comfortable with that openness than the other spouse, whether because of jealousy or because of other issues, a couples counselor can help them resolve their differences.
You can also learn to express yourself sexually in ways that your partner won’t be threatened by. For example, you could write erotic stories that only your spouse is allowed to read, or have cyber sex with your spouse while she pretends to be someone else. The couples counselor can help resolve the issue if one partner’s idea of appropriate sharing is vastly different from the other partner’s. This may actually make your real-life relationship more fulfilling than you ever imagined! By saying “no” to an online acquaintance, you reinforce in your mind your commitment to your partner. That extra attention, in turn, reinforces in your partner’s mind their commitment to you.
Thank you,
Your Aunt Chelsea