Dear Jordan,
I’m a 40-something man and have been dating this incredible woman for over 4 years now – we live together with our children from previous marriages. We have a hot sex life and there’s not much she won’t do in the sack, except for one thing. I’ve been pushing the idea that we should swing and we’ve spent the last couple of years venturing out to swingers’ clubs -- I’ve been trying to get her interested in that lifestyle. I’ve even let her hook up with three other men while I watched, and she’s promised me each time that she’ll let me hook up with other women soon. But every time we get close to getting together with another woman or even another couple, she freaks out. She gets all jealous and weird and won’t go through with it. She seems fine with fucking other guys right in front of my face, but the idea of seeing me with another woman sends her off the edge. We end up fighting for days after these encounters. How can I get her to swing with me and have fun with it? I’m starting to lose my patience with her.
- Big Swinger
Dear BS,
It’s quite obvious to me that your girlfriend has no interest in the swinger lifestyle. And like any sexual proclivity, it is positively impossible to force her into it. Some people like to swing, and some people don’t. The swinger lifestyle is definitely not for everyone. There are few individuals who can tolerate watching their partners have sex with other people.
For me swinging comes naturally as long as I am not emotionally involved with anyone in the group; but once I get into a loving relationship, swinging is out of the question. Because for me, like many women, that little jealousy monster rears its ugly head when I think of “my man” getting it on with other women. For a long time I tried to fight this jealousy thing, because I thought it wasn’t healthy and that it proved that I wasn’t a “sexually evolved” individual. But after the demise of my last relationship and several experiences as a single woman involved in group sex situations, I learned that it’s okay for me to want to be in a loving, monogamous, and adventurous relationship. Instead of trying to change my sexual preferences, I found a partner who has the same sexual values as I do.
It sounds like you are really hell bent on being a swinger. It’s not fair of me to ask for you to give up your sexual preferences either! You’re going to have to dig deep and figure out what’s important to you. Is it your relationship or is it your sex life that’s at stake here? Is the swinging lifestyle a fantasy for you, or is it something you are willing to drop your girlfriend to pursue? There are ways to capitalize on your fantasy without fucking up your reality: you can take your girlfriend to sex clubs and fuck each other in the presence of others, and you can always watch porn with group sex scenarios.
But if this is truly the lifestyle you want, your relationship is likely going to end; it’s really up to you to choose which is more important to you.
If you choose to leave her in pursuit of your sexual ideal, make sure you know what you are getting into. There are a lot of women out there who will play group sex games, but few who will mix love and group sex. For the women who do mix the two, only a fraction of them are healthy in their approach to relationships and sexuality. Also, if you go into the lifestyle as a single man, you will find sexual encounters more difficult to come by, as single men are the least desired in the swinger community.
Bottom line, no amount of cajoling or letting her fuck other men is going to turn her into a swinger. And I’m sure that the fact that she can fuck other men, but can’t reciprocate, is making you angry and frustrated. Therefore every encounter you have, whether it be with another man, woman, or a couple, is just going to further the erosion of your relationship.
If there are any of you swingers out there who would like to disagree with my views on this whole thing, please don’t hesitate to offer your comments.
Good luck!
Jordan
Do you have a sex related question? Email me here!
Originally published August, 2008