Ask Jordan

Why do men like porn?

Tags: Ask Jordan ,  Porn ,  Sex Advice

Dear Jordan,

I'm told I'm beautiful, and my partner finds me very sexy. We have a very full and abundant, fun and passionate sex life. But I keep coming back to the question that if I'm all these things to him, why would he want to be aroused by other women? It's so hard to not feel as though I'm not enough, not young enough, whatever enough. I wonder if he gets tired of looking at the same me all the time. He says that he will never become bored or not find me arousing, even as I age.

I didn't discover he liked to do this until three years into the relationship. I was devastated, for I had never been with anyone before who did this, and I felt betrayed by the secrecy. It was more though that I felt almost like I had been cheated on.  If I hadn't happened upon it, to this day I likely would not know, for he's always been attentive, loving, and very sexual with me, very much into me and us as a couple. I don't know why he hid it from me, but I did realize right away that my despair was also something deeper being triggered by the porn. I never got angry, nagged, or bothered him about it. I wanted him to stop but knew that I don't have this right, to ask someone to give up their freedom. Even if only a small piece of it. I've mostly left him alone about it, only expressing from time to time my pain around it.

I've worked very hard for three years to heal myself and reconcile myself with porn, and I thought I had accomplished this a few months ago. I started to look at porn myself so that I might understand him. I asked to share it with him which he has done, and occasionally we do look together, but there is still a part of me that is bothered by it, that asks why?

For me I can take it or leave it. I think I continue to look in order to keep up with him in a way but also to try to understand even more deeply.

We've been together now going on seven years, and our sex life keeps expanding. The more I've opened up and let go, the better, deeper, and yummier it has become, including orgasms. If I could let this pain around porn go altogether, who knows to what heights and depths I could reach.

I appreciate anything you could tell me, advise me on, give suggestions about.

Keep doing the great work you are doing.

-Tinque

Dear Tinque,

Why do men look at porn? Well it’s pretty simple really…men masturbate. Most men masturbate daily and porn is a great way for them to enhance their masturbatory life. It’s normal, and as long as his real sex life with his partner is flourishing, it’s healthy.

Why does your partner prefer clips/pics of solo women? Well simply put this is what gets him off. Clearly he admires the female body and that is enough for him.  Perhaps seeing other men’s penises distracts him from his fantasy. But in any case this is a very normal, vanilla way for him to enhance his masturbatory life. I’d say this is a very non-threatening form of pornography; it mirrors what he likes about you. Your body, his heterosexuality. Imagine the shock you would have felt if he’d been looking at gay porn, or at fetish porn! It is a great thing to know that his fantasy life is consistent with your sex life.  

“I'm told I'm beautiful, and my partner finds me very sexy. We have a very full and abundant, fun and passionate sex life.” Again, this points to a very healthy sex life. Your partner cares for you, makes sure that you know he finds you sexy and attractive. As long as your sex-life is intact you can be confident that he is not a porn addict, he is not trying to replace you, and he is using porn simply to enhance his masturbatory life. You can’t very well expect your man to masturbate alone in the bathroom staring at the floor tiles, now can you?

“I didn't discover he liked to do this until three years into the relationship. I was devastated, for I had never been with anyone before who did this, and I felt betrayed by the secrecy.” First of all I highly doubt that your other boyfriends didn’t masturbate to porn. More likely they simply weren’t revealing to you their private masturbation habits. Men masturbate, and most men masturbate with pornography! I’m sorry that you felt betrayed, but think about it – do you feel you need to tell your boyfriend every time that you masturbate? Do you need to tell him what toys you use and how many times a week you do it? People should be allowed to have a private life, and masturbation is a part of this private life.

“I did realize right away that my despair was also something deeper being triggered by the porn.” Ultimately this is the root of the problem. The problem isn’t that he masturbates to porn. It’s clear that you have self-confidence issues. No matter how much he dotes on you, you still feel like you are not good enough. You feel threatened by his fantasy life, and this is unhealthy. You really need to dig deep on this, I may recommend a counselor or a spiritual advisor to help you get to the root of this problem. You may also want to write down a list of things that you love about yourself and post it on the mirror where you can see it every day. You need a confidence boost!

“For me I can take it or leave it. I think I continue to look (at porn) in order to keep up with him in a way but also to try to understand even more deeply.” The fact that you are exploring your own fantasies by visiting our site, perusing internet porn on your own etc. is all very healthy, but you need to take it out of the context of understanding him, and start figuring out how to use it to understand yourself. What are YOUR fantasies? What turns you on? So many times women center their sex lives around their partner’s desires, when it is so crucial for us to discover what drives our own sex-lives.

I think you are on the right track Tinque. Please take to heart when I say that he is a normal and healthy man who apparently loves you. You need to find a way to boost your self confidence and understand your own fantasy life.

Good luck!

Jordan

Additonal Resources

pornology

Comments

• Jill
  2/3/2009 9:54:59 AM

  Be aware that when a partner in a relationship is being secretive, especially around pornography, there is a deeper issue with that person, not yourself. You do not have to look at or do anything that makes you uncomfortable while being in a relationship. Doing this is not a healthy intimate relationship.
• Erica
  4/10/2009 6:39:41 AM

  Why should YOU have to change!? That's absolutely ridiculous how men expect women to change their opinions on this! Your man isn't single anymore. He probably wouldn't appreciate you looking at other men. Isn't this against the 10 Commandments or something? Coveting thy neighbors wife? Or daughter? Whoever that nasty porn star is. It's no different then eating fast food. Men do it because it's there. Society has made is socially acceptable for men to be sexual deviants.
• KD
  4/24/2009 12:51:09 AM

  I don't have a problem with a man looking at porn. My husband and I have watched it together a lot. However, it's always about couples. If a man needs to go to a strip club or look only at pix of women alone, then he DOESN'T find his woman to be enough. He's saying what he thinks he should say, not telling the truth, but it sounds like lying is right up this guy's alley. I also have a major problem with women constantly being told THEY have a problem, THEY need to change. More crap "advise" telling this woman she needs psychological help. It's even more disgusting when it comes from another woman.
• oystersandchocolate
  4/24/2009 4:30:39 AM

  While I appreciate everyone's compliments and concern for our subject in this question, it seems to me you ladies are missing the point in this article. It's evident that this couple has a good relationship and a great sex life (she stays so herself "I'm told I'm beautiful, and my partner finds me very sexy. We have a very full and abundant, fun and passionate sex life.") The important deep-seated issue is that she is lacking in self-esteem. A woman who is confident in herself, and who has a full and abundant sex life would not be troubled by porn in the least. IF however she had come to me and said "my husband can't stop watching porn, he doesn't touch me, we have a terrible sex life" my response would have been very different. I would have definitely said the problem was his. I originally published this article on Examiner.com and the woman who first asked the question indeed appreciated my advice. You can see her response there: http://www.examiner.com/x-1720-Denver-Sex-and-Romance-Examiners~y2009m1d5-Why-do-Men-Love-Porn xxoo JLR
• Mandy
  6/25/2009 6:03:24 AM

  Tinque, I feel the same way you do on this subject. I have known that my husband enjoys porn and even on occasion will watch it with him. This has spiced up our sex life and we are very close even after 11 years of marriage, but I can't get past my feelings of not being enough for him. I though when we started watching it together he would be satisfied enough that he wouldn't need to do it alone, but this is not the case. How do you get past the feeling of not being enough?
• Bob
  12/15/2009 7:47:54 AM

  Although I don't agree wholly with the article's conclusions, the main point is correct. Men masturbate and aren't particularly ashamed. When we started as young teens, it was "getting that feeling". We touched ourselves and liked it. Later we discovered that women would touch us and we liked it. But only our own hands can touch us just the way we want, when we want. Our hands are always available, not just when they're in the mood. They don't ask us to take out the garbage, fix the toilet, or bribe us in any way before we have sex. And while I constantly read that these women are "always available", in practice any man will tell you this simply isn't true. I love my wife, love her body even after 36 years of marriage, love our sexual encounters, and wouldn't trade our kisses for anything. I want her constantly even while I know I'm not capable of having sex as often as I want it. At 60 plus years old, I'm realistic. I fantasize about simple things that occur between us and masturbate. Perhaps this is just a little flirtation, seeing her nude after a shower, or a peek at her body in a revealing outfit. I make up a whole scenario around these little things which ends in sexual gratification for BOTH of us. And these masturbation orgasms for me are the best I can have without real sex. They are, because in them, we both achieve orgasm and love every minute of the lovemaking. Fact is, I love her real orgasms and always make sure she is satisfied to the best of my ability. The fantasy orgasms are an acceptable substitute when she is not available or not willing to have sex. But every man will trade masturbation for real sex and that is a point women don't seem to understand. Eventually men realize that they can't have sex every time they're aroused even though when they got married this is exactly what they thought would happen ! When reality sets in they revert to what they started with - masturbation, an acceptable substitute. I agree that what kind of porn men look at could be disturbing. I grew up with my father's Playboys and nudist magazines. But I quickly realized that most women didn't look like Playmates. They resembled the nudists - all sizes and shapes. And when we reached the age of "sexual awakening" we wanted to see all women naked. All classmates could fuel our fantasies even though, if we were sexually active, we got to see a small percentage actually naked. So we looked at the magazines as well. The internet just makes looking at all those women so much easier. We don't have to ask, beg, or woo these women to see them naked. They strip, pose, and are always available. It's easy. There's an incredible variety and we no longer have to wonder what they look like. And that in my opinion is the root of why men look at porn - because we can. The old saying is that women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex. With porn we don't have to give anything in return. All women need to look deep into their own motives and actions and be honest with whether they expect or require anything of men to have sex or even just to see them naked. Every man I know of has complained about this. It is often said and completely true that women have the power in the sexual relationship. Many women even call it the power of the P***y. Men will jump through hoops to attain sexual encounters. With porn we don't have to. Can this get any simpler to understand? Why other men look at really disgusting things I won't comment to because I don't understand it either. I simply look at young women. And it is amazing that the ones I like the most tend to look remarkably similar to my wife, now or when I met her. I'll leave it to someone else to evaluate that. Perhaps I'm stuck in my age of sexual awakening, about 18 years old. I wanted to see all of them naked then and still do. And one question for women. When you masturbate, what do you fantasize about? Is it always your boyfriend, husband, or lover? Women masturbating isn't a subject much talked about. My guess is that during masturbation men do things, touch you, or kiss you just the way you want. Sound familiar?
• Leann
  12/5/2011 4:31:04 PM

  It's funny how I feel the same as so many other women. Right now my heart is broken. When me and my guy got together over 5 years ago, we sat down just before we ran off together and had a talk. He said to me tell me everything that is a relationship breaker for you and then I'll tell you what mine are. I said OK, number one thing is nothing to do with other women. Meaning no porn in any form, no dating chat lines (phone or online) and of course no physical contact with another woman. Among other things I told him that was the first. He commented that he could take or leave porn and he had no problems with anything I has said. Then he told me his deal breakers. I agreed and we concluded our evening. So let me get to my heart breaking now that you have the background. Here we are over 5 years later. We've done well sticking to our agreement, a few mishaps but we worked through them until now. We had recently started building on making our own porn site. This was suppose to be something between us. To spice up our relationship. It was never to be about anyone else and that was understood. We did practice videos and were still working on the site structure. Already paid for the site and researched the advertising. So I go and take a shower one night and come back to my PC being different then when I left it. I ask him why is it like this? He obviously lies to me, so I go in the PC and start looking. I find that he's been looking at porn! I confront him about it when he comes out of the shower. I ask him after all these years why now? He denies that he even did it and it takes about 10 minutes of me telling him not to lie to me. Nobody else has access to my computer. So I'm upset and he's lying. I talk to him about everything and that includes our sexual fantasy's. He's lying to me and broke our agreement. For what reason? The lamest excuse fell out of his mouth, He's stressed and just needed an escape! Now I don't masturbate, I don't need to because if at any given time I want sex, I can have it. He doesn't work, he's a landlord. We are always together unless I send him to the store or to pay a bill. He's looking for a chance to do it when I'm not around, like when I take a shower. Only recently since we started trying to do our porn site though. I'm confused as to what else I can do within a monogamous relationship to keep him happy. I have opened up to him like no other. I sacrifice for him like no other. He's 10 years older than me, so I don't really think he wants a younger woman. We started out as best friends with benefits and ended up with him lying and hiding things from me. He knows that if he wants to watch them together we would. Look I have built my life around him and I expect the same. He told me that he would give as good as he gets. Well I give myself completely. My heart, my spirit and my mind is his and always I'm thinking not to do anything that he wouldn't approve of. Shouldn't I always try and make him happy and him do the same for me? And if that's the case wouldn't we both really be happy? I feel when he does sexual things without me, then he doesn't want what I want. To be one. To make our lives as one. If he can do even this one lie and act against me, what else can I not trust him with? I can go on forever about this.

Leave a Comment