Dear Jordan,
I walked in on my girlfriend avidly watching and pleasing herself to porn that either depicted or had actual mentally challenged people getting busy. I was, to say, extremely disgusted and am having a hard time getting the images out of my head. Is this a fetish? Talk to me? I was outraged and I think I have to end the relationship based on this
... So, we talked through the situation (my gf and I) and she doesn't know if it is a fetish of some sort. I am scared to even google this information because I am worried about the pictures/video that might come up. Do you have any experience with this?
- Zeb Lust
Dear Zeb,
To answer your first question, by definition, this is not a “fetish,” simply because a fetish is a sexual attraction to non-living objects like shoes, stockings, scuba gear, latex, and a variety of other items.
Your girlfriend is what is called a “devotee.” Apparently, there is a rather large subculture of individuals who are attracted to people with physical disabilities like those with missing limbs and those confined to wheelchairs. It seems devotees who are attracted to people with cognitive disabilities, as you describe your girlfriend to be, are rather rare. In fact, I found it difficult to find much information on that exact issue. The fact that she has found pornography catering to this desire is testament to the fact that she is not alone.
It’s understandable that you are feeling disturbed by this revelation. It brings up feelings of insecurity because she obviously is sexually attracted to people who are not at all like yourself, and mistrust because she has been withholding serious information about her life from you.
In this case, the desire she has is so far out on the spectrum of sexuality that it is extremely difficult for an average person to understand. Depending upon the severity of the people with cognitive disabilities, your girlfriend is treading some dangerous waters, as many cognitively disabled people have childhood-equivalent emotional and mental maturity levels, which begs the question of whether or not some of them are consenting adults due to their inability to understand and participate in their own sexuality. This makes this particular “devotion” a difficult pill to swallow, indeed. On the other hand, there are cognitively challenged people who can and do function as adults.
As I would tell anyone who discovers their partner has sexual proclivities that differ from their own, whether that be swinging, BDSM, or, in your case, a devotee, it’s that you both have every right to live the sex-life that will fulfill you the most (as long it is between consensual adults). If you two are sexually incompatible, then you will have to decide whether or not you are willing to continue on in a relationship at the expense of your sex life.
I don’t know how long you have been together, how vested you are in each other, or whether or not you have children. These and other factors will definitely play a role in your ultimate decision.
As far as she goes, because of her predilection, she may come up against a lot of barriers in life. She will have to reconcile her fantasy life with her real life someday, one way or another. She could either choose to relegate this desire completely to her fantasy world (much as she has done during her relationship with you). Or, depending upon the outcome of your relationship with her, she could choose to live it out in the future.
If you want to work this out with her, I highly suggest you find a qualified sex therapist to help you work through this. I don’t think you are going to recover easily from your shock and hurt, and you’ll want to fully address it before moving forward with her.
I might also suggest that you pose this same question to our close friend and associate Clinical Sexologist Richard Wagner PhD (aka Dr. Dick). Visit him here: www.drdicksexadvice.com.
I understand your hesitance to Google the information. I’ve found a few articles that, although they don’t directly address the issue of devotees to cognitive disabilities, may help you in your quest to understand her, and your role in her life:
http://www.newmobility.com/articleView.cfm?id=10902
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attraction_to_disability
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=weblog&id=472&wlid=5&cn=289
http://www.disapedia.com/index.php?title=Devotees
Good luck!
Jordan
Originally published February 2009