Free Sex Advice
"My Husband Has No Sex Drive," sex advice from Jordan LaRousse
Dear Jordan,
My husband and I are going out together for 10 years and married for 1. We were both 17 and virgins when we met.The problem is my husband doesn’t seem to need or desire sex as much as me. When we moved in together a few years ago I was expecting to make love a few times a week. Because we lived with our parents when saving for a house we always had to wait until we went away a weekend to be intimate. I’ve tried to subtly remind my husband for instance ''do you know it’s been two months since we made love?’’ to which he replies ''is it''? I’ve said it’s important for me and also I wonder does he not find me attractive anymore. He’s said he thinks I am the most sexy woman in the world and sometimes he’s tired and he doesn’t realize it’s been so long. When we do make love it’s great for both of us.
It bothers me though that he doesn’t need it as much as it leaves me fantasizing; which saddens me as I have a sexy husband beside me who can make these dreams a reality. I often make an effort and slip into something sexy only to see he has fallen asleep or doesn’t notice.
Everything else about our marriage is great; we don’t argue, we laugh; we give each other space; even though I’ve told him how important it is to me he doesn’t seem to make more of an effort.
Please help,
Unsatisfied
Dear Unsatisfied,
I’m sorry that you are going through this with your husband. Being intimate is the only thing that separates our lovers from our friends, and when you are married to someone who is only interested in being a friend; this can be a frustrating challenge indeed. While it is not uncommon for two people to have mismatched sex drives at different times during a relationship, if it’s a long term problem, it may take some work to make it right.
How’s his health?
First you need to find out if the problem is related to his health. Is your husband overweight, does he have high blood pressure or high cholesterol, is he on anti-depressants or any other medications, does he have a drinking or drug problem? Is he legitimately exhausted from overworking? If you answered yes to any of these his low sex drive may be attributed to physical health issues, in which case he should seek medical treatment to address the root cause.
Get some exercise
In our research for our book, we found that the best thing for a man’s sex drive is regular exercise. Try starting a fun exercise routine for the both of you; this could be as simple as going for after dinner walks, or as ambitious as joining a gym together, or taking couple’s yoga classes. Perhaps if you get his heart pumping from a work out, you can also get it pumped to work you out.
Stay sexy
He probably means it when he says that he thinks you are the sexiest woman alive. And from what you say it certainly doesn’t sound like you are the problem at all –so definitely don’t take his disinterest personally. Still it doesn’t hurt to maintain your sexy self. Stay healthy and fit, keep stocked up on sexy underwear and enjoy your body so that he can enjoy it too.
Fantasy is okay
You have every right to a fabulous sex life. If you can’t have a healthy sex life with your husband, at very least you are entitled to a healthy sex life with yourself. For this reason you shouldn’t feel guilty about fantasizing. Stock up on sex toys and your favored masturbation material (we recommend erotica!), entertain a fantasy lover in your mind. Don’t hide your goodies though! Let your husband know that you are indulging in a little play time, and feel free to include him when he tunes in for the show.
Be straightforward
Although it sounds like you’ve been trying to communicate your frustration to him, it’s best not to expect him to read between the lines. Instead of slipping into something sexy and hoping for a response, slip into something sexy and state outright that you are horny and need it now!
Find out if he has secret fantasies
Sometimes the problem can be one of mismatched sexual DESIRES (not drives). Does your man have a secret kink for pantyhose? Does he get turned on by anal play? Set up a game where each of you writes down five secret fantasies and puts them in a hat. Then pull each fantasy out and discuss it, or if you are comfortable try it! Set this game up in a non-judgmental environment, and see if you’ve overlooked something that gets his hard-on revving. Be careful though, once the proverbial cat is out of the bag, it can’t be put back, so be sure to ask these questions with an open mind and be ready to hear anything.
As a last resort
If you feel that your mismatched sex drives might lead you to cheat, you should consider splitting up before you make that mistake. It’s better to take the high road, and stay honest. Sometimes people grow apart, and marriages don’t always last. However, if you are seriously considering cheating, but want to keep things together with your hubby, seek counsel from a certified sex therapist for guidance.
Good luck!
Jordan LaRousse
Need more advice on how to handle your man? Read Jordan & Samantha's book Mastering Your Man From Head to Head
Originally published August 2010