Free Sex Advice
"Too Tense for Sex" - sex advice from Jordan LaRousse
Dear Jordan,
I'm a 23-year-old woman, and I'm very limited in my sexual experience. When I was younger I had an abusive boyfriend and was almost raped at a party, which has made me very wary about being with men. It's been about three years now since I've been in a relationship. I've tried being with men physically, but it never works out. I find my biggest problem is being able to relax enough to go further than manual or oral sex with a guy, and I can't even let myself cum!
Recently I've started getting together with an old friend of mine who wants a casual relationship. While I'm all in favor of it, I found myself unintentionally obsessing over things the first time we were together, especially after he said he wasn't going to stop until I came. I've since told him that I have had problems with guys in the past, and I have a hard time relaxing during sex. What can I do to relax more so he's not the only one being satisfied when we're together?
Help!
Too Tense
Celtic Princess by Richard C LivingstonDear Too Tense,
First of all, please be more compassionate for yourself. After suffering traumas such as sexual abuse and domestic violence, your body and mind need time and patience to heal. First and foremost, I recommend you visit a licensed therapist who can help you work through your traumas.
Second, although you say that you are up for a casual sexual relationship with your friend, your body clearly is not. Again, have patience with yourself. You might want to abstain from engaging in casual sex and instead try to find a partner with whom you can establish a true, trusting connection. The more you are able to trust the man you are with, the more likely your body will be able to respond in a positive way.
Don’t force yourself to go further than you are comfortable going. If this means that play time needs to stop after manual or oral stimulation, by all means, stop! Sex is meant to be a mutually pleasurable experience, and it’s all about the journey. It concerns me that your friend said he would refuse to stop until you came, it sounds like his ego was at stake and he had no concern for your pleasure. Remove the notion that you NEED to have intercourse and that you MUST have an orgasm for the encounter to be worthwhile. Instead, focus on the pleasure of kissing, massage, oral sex, fingering, and whatever other forms of sexual stimulation your body and mind are willing to open up to. Again this will be easier to do with a partner who you trust and who has your best interests at heart.
Once you find an appropriate partner who you can work with to help rebuild your trust in men, you’ll be able to practice truly letting go. Some simple ways to help quiet your mind and let your body fall into pleasure include using dim lighting, playing music that you enjoy, taking hot showers together, receiving a gentle massage, and giving yourself all the time in the world to play, experience, and to enjoy sexual contact with no set goal in mind. You’ll find that once you are in a trusting, safe, and relaxed environment, your body will be more open to sex and orgasm.
If you are really craving orgasms and can’t achieve them during partnered play, then by all means masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. Having orgasms will help you to remember the joy of sex and will keep you in touch with the pleasure of your sexuality. Also, you can eventually bring what you learn about your body into your partnered play.
Take care,
Jordan
Like my sex advice? Read Jordan & Samantha's book Mastering Your Man From Head to Head
Originally published March 2011