Free Sex Advice
"My Dom Boyfriend Wants a Spanking!" sex advice from Jordan LaRousse
Dear Jordan,
I have been with my boyfriend for three years and all of that time he has been a dominant male. We have played many games where he spanks me. He is always the dominant. Until recently, now this has me confused, he has suddenly started to want to be spanked and humiliated sexually. He wants me to spank him in front of someone else, a game we played with him as the dom, but now he wants to be treated this way. He wants to be tied up, have me shag him with a strap-on, and I don't understand why he wants to switch all of a sudden. I did not see this coming and I am at a loss to understand why. He is not a great talker at the best of times, but he is gungho for this. Could you throw some light on why he would suddenly, after three years, want to be submissive? Please give some advice, I don’t know how to deal with this.
-A.M.
Ruf der Wildnis by Ben Marcato
Dear A.M.,
To help answer your question I consulted with Headmistress Saskia of Pavlovia Denver. She’s got 15 years of professional experience working with submissives, switches, and couples.
What is a switch? Basically, it’s anyone who plays a dominant role who also has interest in playing a submissive role, and vice versa. Even more specifically, there are people who like to bottom (receive sensation on their terms, as opposed to submissives, who are more interested in the psychological interaction) and those who will top (give sensation, more or less to the specifications of the bottom). Headmistress Saskia says, “People’s sexuality fluctuates all the time. Just because your boyfriend wants to switch to playing the submissive doesn’t necessarily mean that he won’t ever play the dominant again. It just means that he’s interested in experiencing both sides of the spanking paddle."
Headmistress Saskia also explains, “His desire to submit is not a feeling that just came out of the blue for him; he’s probably been holding his submissive feelings inside for a while, because he was embarrassed to talk to you about it.” For you, his behavior seems to be coming from a whole new world, and is something you haven't been aware of at all, which makes it especially jarring for you. However, from his perspective, he’s just asking to get more of his needs met.
So what can you do about it? The first thing is to communicate with your boyfriend. Saskia isn’t surprised that he’s not the communicative type. “Some dominants don’t want complicated discussion. They’re used to giving orders without having to give explanations.” He probably thinks that asking you to top him is really just like any other order he might give you, and doesn’t expect a discussion. If he's not initiating discussion about it, it’s up to you to express your concerns about your boundaries and desires.
Basically, you have three main options for how you can handle this new development in your relationship.
1. Try the domme thing on for size. Maybe you’ll find out you have a taste for dominance somewhere inside of you! You can also consider this action to be just another “order” from your dominant partner and so still retain a level of submission in your topping him by providing him with the experiences he desires. You could even set up a game where each of you gets to have your turns playing dom and sub, for example by rolling a die or even just scheduling it in (Sunday becomes Subday for him!). If you’re interested in wielding a whip, but aren’t sure how, Saskia recommends reading The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.
2. If domination really isn’t your thing, but you want to make your boyfriend happy and stay with him, Saskia suggests you consider opening up your relationship to polyamory. Find a dominant female who will make your boyfriend submit and allow him to express that part of himself. If you go this route, you’ll need to lay out the ground rules. Saskia says to ask questions like, “Will you only do this in each other’s company? Or do you want to stay out of it completely? Is sex with others okay? Is kissing others okay? How will you navigate jealousy?” etc. This option is a bit complex and will require some serious communication. Saskia recommends reading Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.
3. The third option is to break off your relationship and find someone who is more sexually compatible with you. Sexual incompatibility is one of the top reasons that relationships don’t last. So long as you don’t have children or a marriage or anything else that’s particularly difficult to untangle, this could be the easiest route for you. If you just can’t stomach his submissive tendencies, this may be your best option.
Good luck!
Jordan
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Copyright September 22, 2011
Published with permission from author on OystersandChocolate.com. Copying or reprinting this work in part or in whole without permission is illegal.