Dear Sebastien,
I am in a loving, caring marriage of three years. My husband and I have a great sex life, and we're very open with one another. Lately, I've been having some curiosity about introducing a little bit of bondage and submission/domination into our sex life, but I have no idea how to bring it up. I really don't think my husband is interested in any of this like I am. I have two questions for you. First, do you think that people have inherent propensities towards b & d, or can someone be "taught" to enjoy it? And second, do you have any ideas on how to introduce the topic with my husband in a fun and sexy way?
Sincerely,
B&D Curious
Dear B&D Curious,
These are some very interesting questions with no easy answers. Let me try to give you my opinion on each one individually. I've read many stories over the years that focus on the BDSM lifestyle. In what I've read, it seems to me that you have two types of individuals. You have a dominant person and you have a submissive person. Normally, these types of individuals have already identified themselves in their normal everyday life. One of you is primarily the dominant personality, (decision-maker), and the other is the submissive personality and usually goes along with decisions that the dominant person makes. Are you dominant or submissive? What about your husband?
Generally, I believe that most people do have at least a small interest in B&D. There are so many variations to the BDSM lifestyle that I think there is literally something for everyone. However, I don't know if a person can be "taught" to enjoy B&D. This is just a guess, but if either of you enjoy giving or receiving spankings, being handcuffed, tied up, or blindfolded, then you are already enjoying a miniscule taste of B&D.
In order to have a healthy marriage and sex life; you both should be able to share your goals and fantasies with each other. If you and your husband both know what each other's fantasies are, then there is a good possibility that you will both try to help the other realize at least some of them. There are a number of ways that you could introduce this subject to your husband. You could just sit down with him and tell him exactly what's on your mind. Another option is reading Penthouse Forum and Variations, which usually have at least a couple BDSM stories. You could read these stories in bed with your husband and read him small excerpts that interest you and see what his reaction is to them. Maybe you could get him to try some of the things they do in the stories on you or vice versa. Some other possibilities of introducing your interest in a sexy way would be some B&D movies. If you can pique your husband's interest in one small area of BDSM, I'm sure you and he will be able to find more, and beyond that, the possibilities are endless.
While delving into this subject in an attempt to answer your question adequately, I did notice one thing that was repeated over and over. There is no right or wrong with the infinite variations of BDSM, only safe or unsafe. In your situation, and depending on where your interests lie concerning a BDSM lifestyle, I would do some extensive research on the subject and get as much information as you can. This research will help you make safe and intelligent decisions, for you and your husband, on where you want things to go and how far both of you are willing to take them once you go there. There are an astounding number of web sites that deal with BDSM, so finding good, clean information should not be a problem.
Here are some sites that I found that have a great deal of information and may be able to guild you in the direction you want to go:
http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/
http://blood-dance.net/bdsm/beginners.html
http://www.geocities.com/bdsmlearningcenter/basics/beginners_kit.html
BDSM has limitless variations and there is always something for everyone's taste. If you can convince your husband to at least help you research this subject, then there is also a good possibility that he'll find something that interests him as well and who knows where things can go from there. Remember that the possibilities are endless, and safety for both of you is key.
Good luck,
Sebastien
Originally published January - "Spanked!"