I am in a loving, caring marriage of three years. My husband and I have a great sex life, and we're very open with one another. Lately, I've been having some curiosity about introducing a little bit of bondage and submission/domination into our sex life, but I have no idea how to bring it up. I really don't think my husband is interested in any of this like I am. I have two questions for you. First, do you think that people have inherent propensities towards b & d, or can someone be "taught" to enjoy it? And second, do you have any ideas on how to introduce the topic with my husband in a fun and sexy way?"
Sincerely,
B&D Curious
Dear B&D Curious,
Some people do have inherent propensities towards B&D, as well as S&M, the two not always being either exclusive or inclusive of the other. Many men and women simply find vanilla sex unsatisfying. It's not that it's right or wrong, it just may be wrong for them long term. You'll come across many terms for those who play with BDSM, Dom, Sub, Switch, Master, Slave, Mistress, Top, Bottom, and others, but to begin with I'd ignore those labels and look at what you wish to enjoy.
In case you're not familiar with the terms, I'll give you a quick run down as far as BDSM :
- Dom, someone who likes to dominate or be in charge.
- Sub, someone who likes to be submissive, or give up control.
- Switch, a person who can be either dominant or submissive depending on who they are with, and sometimes dependant on need at the time, or mood swings
- Master/Mistress, an experienced dominant, either male or female, normally associated with someone who owns a slave.
- Slave, a submissive who has an owner, be it a Master or Mistress. Also sometimes used to denote a submissive who seeks to be owned beyond BDSM play.
- Top, a person who dominates solely during a scene/sex or to teach at an event.
- Bottom, a person who submits solely during a scene/sex, or to teach at an event.
Confused yet?
The more you look into the lifestyle and BDSM play, the greater the amount of information will be thrown at you. Some concepts will fit with what you want to do; some will be so out there for your personal taste that you'll feel almost sick. Don't let one person's desires or beliefs bully you into doing something your gut says is wrong.
Now for the fun part: how to bring your partner into exploring BDSM with you.
Firstly, has your husband ever bitten, spanked or scratched you during sex and liked it, or received any of the above and enjoyed it. Has he pulled your hair, groaned when you've pulled his? Taken control during sex by shifting positions into a male dominant sexual position such as doggy style? Or had you ride him and you set the pace? If so he's already showing a mild interest towards this type of play. How deep it will go is up to you two to find out.
Communication is the key, and it can be fun. I know sitting down and talking to your husband about sexual desires can potentially be one of the most uncomfortable situations out there, so find the setting that works for you. In bed, in the dark, after having mad passionate sex so he's already open to intimate discussions. For some, watching programs like Real Sex or others of that kind can also bring discussion moments.
However you work it, the trick here is to discuss fantasies.
Every man and woman has them, and most of them involve some mild form of B&D. Exchange them. A truth or dare night can work wonders for some couples. Or, believe it or not, old romance novels. These can inspire the capture fantasy for a maiden or princess, with him the bold highlander, the rogue pirate, or perhaps he might like the idea of you being the naughty college student late turning in a paper.
Find the fantasy that he has that falls into your desire to explore B&D and go with it.
Another option here is break out the belly dancing tapes and the harem pants. You think I joke, but no. Be a passionate harem slave seducing her cruel captor. I don't know a straight man alive that will ignore the pleas of a woman lap dancing for him and begging to have sex. Especially if he knows he's not going to have any guilt about the moment afterwards.
Play with it. But remember, even in play be very aware of anything going wrong. If you do use bondage and you're not used to it start with scarves, loose ties, Velcro fastened play cuffs, things that come off quickly. Don't use gags, you don't know where your limits are there and with a gag you cannot say "stop". If you do any spanking, keep it to the buttocks and upper thighs first time around, and be aware that you might have to sit on bruises...though that can add to the thrill.
Above all else have fun, stay safe and talk about it before and after you've explored your fantasies.
Originally published January 2006 - "Spanked!"