Free Sex Advice
"Conquer Me! The Forbidden Force Fantasy"
Sex Advice from Jordan LaRousse
Dear Jordan,
The first time I remember being sexually turned-on I was 13 years old, watching the now cult-classic movie Heathers. There was a scene where Veronica Duke was making out with her prom date Brad. He started trying to force her to have sex and she had to fight him off. I remember wondering why this caused me to have a warm tingling feeling between my legs. I'm 29 now and I still fantasize about being forcefully taken by men who I don't even know, sometimes even by men who I find to be totally physically unattractive, like Jack Nicholson. My husband is a teddy bear in bed and I think if I admitted to him about my rape fantasies he would totally flip out and send me to a psychiatric ward. Seriously, is something wrong with me? Why does the thought of being raped turn me on so much?
Signed,
Struggling Sex Fiend
Dear S.S.F.,
What you are experiencing is something called a "force fantasy." This is a fantasy where you are sexually taken by force, often involving a physical struggle, and humiliating acts. The fantasy typically involves a person in authority, a stranger, or a person to whom you would normally not be "attracted." You should know that you are in very good company. These types of fantasies are much more common than you might think.
It's important to note that this is not a "rape fantasy." Rape is a word with very negative connotations and the truth is that rape is not a fantasy, but a reality. Therefore we must recognize a distinct difference between "rape reality" and "force fantasy."
I talked to several women about this subject and was surprised to find that all of them had experienced some level of excitement from fantasizing about forceful sexual encounters. At the same time, each of these women declared that they wouldn't want to be raped in real life. Force fantasies are left to the realm of imagination and/or exciting role play between you and your partner.
Some have theorized that a force fantasy allows the "victim" to transfer the responsibility of her sexual desires to the "villain." For example, a woman may be turned on by the thought of anal sex, but she feels that that this is something that really shouldn't turn her on, and she may even find the thought of it to be somewhat humiliating. So instead she fantasizes that a man forces her to have anal sex! Now she's transferred the responsibility of her sexual desires on to her fantasy villain, she doesn't want the anal sex, he does!
Often times "force fantasies" are a source of shame for the person who entertains them. There is a certain stigma attached to individuals who choose to play out these fantasies. The "villain" is often shunned as a criminal, with people assuming that such person is probably a real life rapist; and the "victim" is considered to be a weak-willed creature with no self-respect.
The issue at hand is the element of "non-consent" involved in the fantasy. As a society, non-consent is automatically equated with rape, and rape is a criminal act. Even within the BDsM world there is an absolute rule of consent. In BDsM there exists the mantra of "safe, sane, and consensual." However, with the force fantasy the non-consent is the primary turn on. Therefore we should re-term the phenomenon to "consensual non-consent."
In force play the woman agrees to enact the role of the victim and to give herself up to the whims of her villain. In fantasy this is very easy to do, and no rules need be made. However in role-playing obviously you and your partner need to have some rules meaning, as in BDsM practices, you should have a safe word that when uttered causes the role-playing to cease immediately. As in BDsM it is important that you trust your partner and know that he wouldn't do anything beyond your limits nor would he harm you. I believe that force fetishes can be sub classified under the umbrella term BDsM, but aside from the issue of consent, there is one other major difference between the two. In a master/slave relationship the master is deified, whereas in a villain/victim relationship the villain is demonized.
There may also be biological forces at work that cause the force fantasy to be such a turn on. One such force is that women seek strong men. We seek a man who isn't afraid to assert himself and to take what he wants. Sometimes we just want to say to our sex partner "conquer me!" We find a sense of security when subjected to the force and strength of a man. In nature often the male of the species takes his female by force. How far from our animal nature are humans when it comes to mating? Sometimes not very.
Another biological factor is the sense of arousal that occurs as an effect of increased blood pressure. When our hearts are pumping, we are more subject to sexual arousal. Anxiety and fear both rev up our hearts, fill us with adrenaline, and consequently our bodies' ability to experience a high level of sexual excitement increases dramatically.
We should also recognize that it is not always the woman who desires to be the "victim" in a force fantasy. I've spoken to a number of men who admit that they've entertained fantasies of being taken sexually by a very forceful and aggressive woman. Although, none have admitted that their aggressor was unattractive, it seems the aggressive woman needs to look something a bit like Angelina Jolie to get her way with our unsuspecting male victim.
A good friend of mine who wishes to remain anonymous shared with me a recurrent force fantasy of her own it goes like this:
"I'm driving long distance, and my car breaks down on a solitary country road. I'm completely stranded and alone. I've been sitting there for at least an hour when I finally get out of my car and start walking down the road hoping to find help. Then it starts to rain. I'm wearing a white shirt and a jean skirt and the downpour causes the shirt to cling and become invisible, my nipples are hard. I see headlights in the distance and as the car nears I hail it down. It's a pick up truck and there is a man inside. He wears a cowboy hat; he's got a 5 o'clock shadow and a serious face. He intimidates me a little bit, doesn't smile, just tells me to get in. I'm nervous, but it's been hours that I've been stranded and his is the first vehicle I've seen. I climb into the truck, more than ever aware of my short skirt, and now entirely see-through shirt. My skin is soaked and I'm freezing.
We start driving in silence, I try to start conversations but all he does is look at me from the corner of his eye. He rests a big, rough hand on my exposed thigh and starts rubbing his hand up beneath my skirt. My body tenses and I feel a surge of fear ripple from my feet up to my scalp. I stare at the big hand disappearing beneath my skirt and wonder what I should do. I ask him to stop, tell him that I'm happily married and faithful. He doesn't listen. Instead he takes it as an invitation to probe more aggressively. His hands feel so course against my soft skin and then he does the unthinkable, he pulls my panties aside and begins to rub those rough fingers against the entrance to my pussy. Despite my fear I notice that I've become very wet, and this encourages him.
I tell him to stop again, and this time he reacts by pulling off to the side of the road. He turns to me and unzips his fly. A huge, erect cock springs from beneath his jeans. He takes my head between his hands and forces my face to his cock. He demands me to suck it. I won't, I clench my lips tightly together and try to turn my head away. He commands "suck it". And he holds my face so that his cock rubs up against my cheeks. I scream and struggle to get away. As I scream my mouth opens and he slips his cock in. Just as I think to bite it, I hear a click of a gun. He tells me if I bite he'll shoot me and that I had better get to sucking. I start to suck up and down and am so angry that my body is betraying me, my hot juices are trickling down my thighs and my nipples rub hard against the fabric of his jeans..."
Other Resources
Originally published April 2006 - "April Showers"