Dear Barnabus,
I recently got married, my husband had a stripper at his bachelor party and he swore to me that it was the only time he has ever seen one. I didn't really believe him, but he promised me that it was no big deal and he really wasn't all that into it. Well two months into our marriage he started going out with the guys every Thursday, and telling me they go to the Sports Bar, which is cool. I think in any good marriage each partner has to have his/her own friends. The problem is I started noticing large cash withdrawals on our bank statement. Sometimes $500 in one night and they were all coming from the same ATM. Further investigation pointed that ATM to be located in a local strip bar. So now I'm frantic. I can't believe he's spending more money on women who he doesn't know than he does on me! And the thought of him spending time in one of those places really makes me nauseous. I start wondering if he's not attracted to me, and can't understand why he married me if he needs other women to get off. Does this spell the end of our marriage? What should I do?
- Stripped of Confidence
Dear Stripped,
Sweet lady, this is a really tough situation. The "struggle of the strip club" is a common one that has play in many, many relationships.
First, I want to focus on the positive and applaud you for your acceptance, and even encouragement, of your new husband's time with the guys. The fact that you're "allowing" (as some women I know would put it) him to go out every week with his friends is huge to any new marriage - guys (and girls) need that. It's good, it's healthy, it's right (and I hope you're doing the same).
Now the real issue. The first big problem (and I mean BIG) is that he's lying to you. He told you he's going to a sports bar, and you, being the clever girl you are, figured out otherwise. But unfortunately, this means that you have a very big lie leering over the tender reed that is your new marriage.
The second big problem is that he's dumping a ton of money. Spending as much money as he does is totally unacceptable. And now I'm making assumptions about your marriage, but seeing as how it's a young one, you probably don't have an unending budget for spending. He should not be spending so much money on guy's night, whether or not it's at a strip club.
As a guy, I hope to give you a little insight into his behavior. It's fun to sit around with a bunch of guys drinking a beer and, instead of watching ESPN, you watch a naked lady dance in front of you.
However, taking that simple, "ganging with the guys, drinking beer, watching naked women" activity over $100 a night is going over a boundary. If your husband is spending more money than that at a strip club in one night, he's either entertaining high class customers or he's partaking in an awful lot of extra-curricular activities on his own, which is another problem in and of itself.
So, as to your outrage that he's spending more money on "a woman" in a strip club than he does on you... trust me, it's not "a woman," it's multiple women.
The third problem is that your marriage is so young. And I must ask, how well did you know your new husband before you were legally wed? He could have been partaking in his habit before, and you just didn't know about it. How intimate was your knowledge of his monetary dealings? What was he doing on Thursday nights before you got married?
And finally, we are led to the ultimate, inevitable problem: This lie could hint at something bigger. Look at the lie, and then assess the rest of your marriage. How's your relationship? How's your sex life? Is his spending at the strip club your only monetary problem? Is this lie about the strip club only a piece of the larger problematic puzzle?
After all of the different aspects are weighed in, you must ask yourself, if he were honest about his extracurricular activities and weren't spending excessive amounts of money, would his going to a strip club with friends be a problem in and of itself?
In my impression, your ultimate question is, "Why do men go to strip clubs?" (Which, I'm sure, is a question that many women have.) Is it because they're not satisfied with the women they have? No. Your average guy goes to a strip club for a number of reasons:
- Camaraderie
- It's fun to watch naked ladies dance
- It's a distraction in when you're out with business partners
- If a guys' wife just isn't into the freaky or the dirty, this is a place where a guy can get his taste
As a guy I can tell you, every Thursday night at the strip club is a bit excessive. I can't remember the last time I was at a strip club when I wasn't entertaining a customer or I wasn't so drunk that I tried to use my driver's license as at ATM card and was then promptly removed.
Does this spell the end of the marriage? Baby...lovely...darling, you've only been in this marriage a few months. You just got married - you can't start thinking about pulling the plug already without a bit more pain and torture and conversation and - as you women like to say - process that this.
And on that note, this is probably a better issue to bring up in detail with your new husband than it is with me. Talk to him. Make it non-confrontational. Do it in a comfortable manner. You could even start the conversation by walking into your bedroom in nothing but underwear and a feather boa, and ask, "Do I get $500 for this too?" In other words, take the high road.
You must discuss all of the many problems put before you (and there are many here, i.e. trust, money, attraction, strip clubs) - before you can make any further decisions about your marriage. Talk it over, see where he's coming from, and then get back to me.
Good luck luv,
-Barnabus
Originally Published July 2006: Stripped! Anniversary Issue