Humorous Erotica
"The Impactor Versus the Papal Bull"
a sex story by Aphra Bastet
Sister Angela still believed in God, despite the terrifying news from NASA. It was God's will that the asteroid impact should destroy humankind tomorrow. It would hit the middle of the Pacific and vaporize the ocean. All life would be scalded like lobsters.
And in a way, Sister Angela had to acknowledge that since all men (and women) must die eventually, at least it would probably be a relatively painless -- if premature -- death for all. And many, having a days' warning, would make their peace with God, confess their sins, and die in a state of grace.
Yes, she believed, fervently in God.
But the part she had trouble with was this no-sex-outside-marriage business. She had taken vows when she was very young, too young to think through all the consequences. And often, she had had thoughts about Father Gabriel. He was not much older than she, although he was a Latin scholar and pastor of the St. Philomena Parish. Clean living and observance of old-fashioned fast days had made him lean, but it was certainly God who had made him well-muscled, with a delicious-looking tuft of black hair sticking out of his shirt when he shed his clerical collar to work in the garden. And what a cute, tight ass!
Sister Angela blushed to think of using such language in regard to a priest. But she had overheard parish women saying it was such a waste that a body like that had to be attached to the head of a priest.
Not that there was anything wrong with Father Gabriel's head. He had a little round bald spot in his dark auburn hair, it was true, but it looked like a tonsure, and that was just fine. His eyes were deep brown and she often dreamed of claiming to be possessed, just so he could perform an exorcism on her and drill into her with those sexy eyes.
So Sister Angela had been thinking, and she decided maybe the Church was wrong about all this no-sex stuff. After all, it had been a Pope who had declared Pope's infallibility -- what if Pope Pius IX had been wrong, and the Pope (namely himself) wasn't infallible? What if God had no problem at all with people fucking like minks on Viagra, as long as they didn't hurt anybody?
Bad Nun by Saturno Butto available at ObsessionArt.com for $39.20
#
Sister Angela blushed every time she thought the word fuck or the word ass, but she couldn't remember that there had ever been a Papal Bull on sex words, and so what if there had?
The world was ending, and Sister Angela was going to die a virgin.
She decided that wasn't a good thing.
Now Sister Angela had often thought about those martyrs who went straight to heaven because they had refused to have sex, but the truth was, the guys that wanted to fuck those martyrs were pretty disgusting.
Sister Angela was glad her older, staid roommate, Sister Catherine, was in the church praying to St. Philomela. She wished heartily that she had some sexy Frederick's of Hollywood undies, but she didn't -- so she simply removed all her underwear, first giving her fluffy little bush an encouraging petting, and put her habit back on.
Then she rushed over the courtyard to the rectory.
#
She wasn't sure what she'd say to Father Gabriel. He seemed to have an open mind and wasn't entirely dogmatic about all of Church doctrine, so maybe it would be relatively easy to persuade him. After all, he had given that sermon about tolerance of gay men in the priesthood, and even hinted that gay marriage should be permitted. Sister Catherine had whispered to her once a rumor that two women had come to him asking if he'd privately join them in Holy Matrimony, and he had said he'd think about it, but that was just tittle-tattle.
She rang the doorbell. No answer. Father Gabriel's car was in the driveway, along with another car she wasn't sure she recognized. There were lights on both upstairs and down. So she leaned heavily against the doorbell. She could hear it chime repeatedly inside, but nobody answered.
She gasped. There were reports of maniacs going mad and looting houses, even killing the inhabitants. They claimed aliens were living on the approaching asteroid, evil aliens.
The end of the world did inspire people do to strange things, possibly even horrific things. After all, she was about to attempt to break her vow of chastity and get a priest to break his. That car -- what if right at this moment some deranged heathen was bashing in Father Gabriel's adorable head?
She ran around to the side of the house and looked in the side windows. There was a crack in the blinds in Father Gabriel's study. So she applied her face to the glass, aware of her breasts pressing through her thin summer habit against the window frame. Despite her alarm, she felt her pussy-lips moistening.
She could see nothing inside the study.
No, wait. Was that Father Gabriel's elbow?
No! She could scarcely believe her eyes. It was -- it was -- she had never seen one in real life, but it seemed to be somebody's dick.
But was it Father Gabriel's? It certainly was bigger than she imagined. Her hands pressed her pussy and she wondered how something like that was supposed to fit in there.
She certainly wanted to find out.
But first, she wanted to know what a naked and very erect dick was doing sticking up in the middle of Father Gabriel's study.
The hair at the base of the dick was ash-blond. Certainly that organ couldn't belong to Father Gabriel.
Perhaps deranged homosexual maniacs had come to attack Father? Sister Angela liked to believe the best of human nature, but still --
She pressed her eye to the window again, but she could make no sense of what she saw. For a moment, there seemed to be two very large, hard dicks, quite beautiful if you like that sort of thing, resembling pink jade figurines of long-stemmed mushrooms, with purple vines growing up their sides. Then they shifted, and she could see only Father Gabriel's bookshelves and computer table.
Throwing caution aside, she pushed the window up and tumbled into the room.
#
She wasn't fooling herself.
No surprise that the owner of the blond bush was the very young Father Adam, from a parish in a poor neighborhood across town.
The two men parted, aghast at having been discovered.
"So sorry," Sister Angela said politely. "Don't let me interrupt you. I just -- I just came to confess -- "
Father Gabriel was hastily tugging on his trousers, though she noticed he had a hard time getting them zipped. His generously turgid member kept trying to get out, like the head of a huge albino snake.
But Father Adam gave her a curious stare. "What would you like to confess, my daughter?" He nonchalantly placed a sofa cushion in front his crotch.
She flung herself on the sofa and began to weep. "I just didn't want to die a virgin! But I see I've come to the wrong place and now, and now…I'm so embarrassed!"
Father Adam's expression softened. He came and sat next to Sister Angela and put a consoling arm around her. She sneaked a look at his crotch and noticed that his love-hammer was still very upright and in fact had oozed a drop of pre-cum on the sofa cushion. (She knew the correct vocabulary to describe these events because she had been on a committee to expunge pornography from a local bookstore, and it had fallen upon her to survey the suspect volumes.)
He pulled her to his naked, blond-haired chest and placed a gentle, hot kiss on her forehead. "There is so little time. And yet, perhaps by searching the internet, we could find you a suitable, shall we say, outlet?"
Father Gabriel was watching with a burning gaze from the other side of the room. Sister Angela noticed that the front of his trousers stood out like a circus tent. "Sister Angela, we wouldn't advise you to wander into the darkness of sin. And yet, I see your conuntrum."
Sister Angela figured he really meant conundrum, but the situation had confused him.
"Just such a problem occurred to me," Father Gabriel continued smoothly, "You see, I've always been what they call bi-curious, and Father Adam was only a phone-call away -- "
Sister Angela's attention was drawn to the word bi-curious. Well, she was just curious any which way. She said in a timid voice, "I don't suppose you'd let me watch?"
The two men looked at each other.
Father Adam was the first to speak. "Cute little thing, isn't she?"
"Yes," said Father Gabriel. "My child, your desire to experience all of life's bounty before its end is understandable." In two steps, he was across the room. He unzipped his trousers, which snagged momentarily on his hard dong, but he gave a tug and they fell in a puddle onto the ground. "Let us pray, my sister and brother. On your knees."
Sister Angela understood what he was suggesting, since oral sex had been explained to her when she was doing work for the Campaign against Smut, but she didn't understand why Father Adam had arisen and was taking his place behind Father Gabriel. Nonetheless, she fell to her knees, then stuck her tongue out tentatively and tasted the trembling hard organ in front of her. It was salty and smelled slightly like cut grass. Gracious. Was she really supposed to -- ?
But she had vowed to taste as much of life's pleasures before the end, so she ran her tongue up the underside. Father Gabriel groaned. She drew back.
"Go on, baby!" he said. She took the whole thing in her mouth. "Careful with the teeth, Sister. Ah, yes yes yes. That little place under -- let me show you -- " and he demonstrated with his index finger. Yessss. You're a quick study!"
She ran her tongue up and down his hot, pulsing prick, then took it in her mouth until it jammed the back of her throat. He seemed so delighted by this that she continued, and when she needed a break, she stole a hand under her habit, reaped some of the lubrication that was dripping from her cunt, and used it to stroke him with her hand. Then on to sucking once more.
After a few minutes, she began to wonder what his balls would taste like. So, gently, she took one, and then another in her mouth. The hair was rough, but the hot skin was like silk over steel.
"Splendidus lingua!" said Father Gabriel. He ran his hands affectionately through her hair and drew her head in to take as much as she could jam into her mouth.
But what had happened to Father Adam during this whole episode? Had he felt neglected and stolen away to pray in solitude? She drew back a moment to look around the room and discovered that Father Adam had his nose and mouth buried deep in Father Gabriel's tight, cute ass crack.
She was so amazed she pulled away.
"Don't stop!" shrieked Father Gabriel. But it was too late. His organ pulsed and spurted jets of hot cum. Her face and the front of her habit was drenched in salty cum.
Father Adam, grasping Father Gabriel by the hips, continued to bob his head in and out of the other man's ass crack. When the older priest pulled away and sank wearily to the sofa, Father Adam looked at Sister Angela and asked, "Why are you wearing all those clothes?"
And without further words, he reached up and yanked the top of her habit open. He tongued each nipple with zest, and Sister Angela fell back against Father Gabriel's legs. Father Gabriel watched as the top of her head pressed into his belly.
She had heard something about "refractory periods" and how men could only do it just so often, but at the back of her neck, she felt Father Gabriel's dick stiffening.
But she didn't pay much attention. She had never had her nipples licked before, and she sure was glad she'd managed to get them licked before the world came to an end. She was so glad that she bunched her skirt up and began exploring her very slippery cunt, which was just throbbing for attention.
Father Adam noticed this, and murmured, "Let me help you with that, my child." Putting a hand under each of her armpits, he hoisted her onto the sofa and turned her around on her knees. She now straddled Father Gabriel, who was so nonplussed that he grabbed her by the ears and French-kissed her until she had to pull back for air.
Father Adam had found the buttons on her habit and undid them. He pulled the whole thing over her head and shrieked, "Oh my God! I always wondered what they wore under those habits!" He lifted her up and laid her on the couch with her head in Father Gabriel's lap. Father Gabriel began stroking her nipples, while Father Adam knelt between her knees and pointed his erection, which had turned dark red, toward her open pussy.
Then there was a crash.
Both men jumped to their feet. Father Gabriel cried "Maledictio!" and Sister Angela gave a cry of chagrin. Was she to die a virgin because looters had broken into the rectory?
"My God! What is going on?" asked Sister Catherine, standing at the door of the study with a crowbar.
No, no, no! Not Sister Catherine. Not just as this gorgeous young blond priest was about to stick that formidable piece of meat into her eager pussy, right up to the hairy hilt, and let her know what life was really about.
Sister Angela wailed in despair. She didn't care about her reputation -- after tomorrow, she would have only God to answer to. But Sister Catherine would no doubt become hysterical and lecture them all about their sinfulness. And worst of all, Sister Angela would die a virgin after all!
"Where are your clothes?" Sister Catherine shrieked. She threw the crow bar down. "Didn't your mother teach you always to wear clean underwear? And Fathers! Aren't you supposed to be a role model for your flock?"
Father Gabriel regretfully retrieved his pants from the floor and, while Father Adam just stood up and hung his head in resignation. His wonderful proud prick was flagging.
Neither of the priests looked the least contrite. They looked disappointed that Sister Catherine had spoiled their magical moment.
Sister Catherine's voice broke. "I wondered -- I wondered if you, I mean you, Sister Angela, might have come to the rectory for solace, but now --"
Sister Angela was curious. "Why were you looking for me, sister?"
"I -- I -- There's something I've always wanted to tell you."
Oh.
"I have finally decided," said Sister Catherine, "since it's the end of the world, that if two women truly love one another -- but I see now that you prefer men -- and two men at the same time, that's kind of extreme, you know. So, now I'll go back to my room in the convent and just cry my eyes out --"
Father Adam, who had still not bothered to cover his glorious package, stepped forward and put a condoling arm around Sister Catherine, who still quivered with disappointment. "My dear, we are all God's children. And if you cherish these feelings, well, why not give vent to them? But tell me, is there just a tiny bit of you that is curious about this, too?" Here he cupped his big gorgeous blond-hair-adorned basket in one hand and hefted it temptingly, while bumping his hip against hers.
"I've -- never seen one of those," she said. "They certainly are different."
Father Gabriel rose from the sofa and approached the weeping nun. "But could you? I mean, if you thought you'd never get another chance?"
"Oh, I couldn't," she said. But she said it about the same way somebody would refuse a chocolate fudge brownie. But then she burst out, "But that's not what I really want! I've -- I've looked at you so many times, Sister Angela! But you have eyes only for this big brawny horny priest! I see the way you watch his lips as he pronounces the words of the Latin Mass!"
Sister Angela was touched. "We could, if you like. I would be willing to fulfill your fantasy, but we have to be quick. I think we'll all have to do it at the same time."
Because they could hear sirens, and the wind was picking up, all signs NASA scientists had told them would foretell the imminent end. There were also loudspeaker noises, in English, but hard to make out, because of a strange accent.
"Lie down," Sister Angela whispered to her roommate.
The priests helped Sister Catherine remove her habit, and arranged her on the floor on top of a quilt Father Gabriel got from the hall closet.
Sister Angela tenderly parted Sister Catherine's knees and knelt there. She kissed the other nun softly on the mouth, then on each nipple -- she had hard brown nipples and big heavy tits -- then ran a snail's trail of her tongue down her torso and belly to her fluffy black muff. With delicate fingers, she parted the other nun's pussy lips and ran a finger into the cleft, probing the tight opening.
Sister Catherine's hips began to move and she made meowing noises. Sister Angela figured this meant she was on the right track. She had not bothered to read any lesbian porn, since she figured it was written by men for men, but she did have an idea what she personally would enjoy kissing a woman, so she put just the tip of her tongue on the little button at the top end of Sister Catherine's slit.
Sister Catherine's head began to thrash from side to side and Sister Angela had to hold the older nun's hips to avoid losing contact. She probed, licked, and sucked harder as the gasps turned to shrieks. Pussy juice smeared her nose, cheeks, and chin. She had heard claims that cunt tastes like fish, but really, there is no comparison. It tastes salty and meaty and like cunt. Nothing else.
And Sister Angela had quickly developed a taste for it.
Just when she figured she had done all she could to quell Sister Catherine's itch she felt firm hands parting her own backside. Who would that be, she wondered? Which priest? It was Father Gabriel she loved, but she'd seen Father Adam's equipment and he was certainly a welcome contender.
She was already well lubricated, but hands -- two hands, or four? -- applied a slick gel to her bottom. Fingers slid into her pussy from behind, and she arched her back to make her cunt more accessible.
Meanwhile, Sister Catherine was making joyful keening noises and moving her hips up and down. Sister Angela clung even tighter and tongued the hard little clit as if it were a butterscotch candy.
Then something that felt like the larger end of a baseball bat pushed against Sister Angela's pussy. She writhed and arched her back even more, although she wasn't sure how she could accommodate this thing that wanted inside her so much. It pulled away abruptly, and hands smeared still more lube on her. Then the pressure of the hot, huge dick started again, and suddenly it was IN.
She lost her rhythm with Sister Catherine's little love-candy, but hands -- big, male hands-- guided her head back to the hungry pussy. She renewed her lapping and felt an enormous heat grab her.
The asteroid? No! It was lust! Lust! She'd never felt lust like this, even in erotic dreams.
And that was when Sister Catherine gave a tremendous shriek and bucked her final buck.
Sister Angela braced herself against Sister Catherine's big soft boobs as the priest - which priest she no longer knew or cared -- went at her with his slick, burning prick pistoning harder and faster than ever, like a drumming machine.
But it all stopped suddenly, and she felt her body lifted and carried by four hands to the sofa. Brown eyes burned into hers with an intensity that drove her wild. It had been Father Gabriel who had been fucking her! That was terrific, but now she wanted to come, and where was this magnificent organ now?
Father Gabriel knelt between her legs and continued fucking -- no difficulty getting in now. Sister Catherine had revived, and was alternately stroking and sucking her nipples while one hand snaked between the priest's belly and Sister Angela's. The older nun rhythmically rubbed the younger nun’s clit in rhythm with the fucking.
Father Adam balanced on the arm of the sofa and squeezed behind Father Gabriel. Sister Angela felt the pounding intensify. Oh my God! Father Adam had his dick up Father Gabriel's gorgeous hot ass.
Three of them came at the same time. No! Four: Sister Catherine screamed at her second climax. They each invoked God, and not sacrilegiously, because all of them saw the divine in the beauty of the body.
As they lay satiated, they wondered if the asteroid really was going to end earthly life. For that brief time, though, it didn't seem to matter.
But the loudspeaker came closer, blared louder. Sister Angela sat up, then became alert and strained to listen.
". . . your new masters from the stars, inhabitants of Asteroid Bastaphro, require that you to send forth all your nubile males and females for processing. Do not send your non-virgin young, as they are not needed for our experiments --"
Originally published June 2011